The “Coming Out” process for gay and lesbian individuals is complex and, in contrast to many other marginalized groups, can vary from context to context on a day to day basis. In coupling, gay and lesbian partners may experience discrepancies in the degree to which each individual discloses his or her sexual orientation to persons outside of his or her home such as family, friends, and coworkers. Though many contexts have become more accepting to gays and lesbians, members of same-sex families with children may have differing viewpoints about which contexts they choose to disclose their own sexual orientation or the sexual orientation of the parent(s) (Tasker & Patterson, 2007).
Tasker and Patterson (2007) state:
One of the main questions that any lesbian or gay parent faces is when to disclose one’s sexual identity to others. Judging whether, when, and how to disclose is a complex task. When disclosure is not just an individual matter but involves family relationships, the complexities multiply (p. 16).
Issues of disclosure often exist in educational and healthcare settings, and may be more challenging for parents and children born within heterosexual relationships who now identify as gay or lesbian than for planned gay or lesbian-led families. Although children may be subjected to the effects of homophobia and have concerns and fears that their parent(s) sexual orientation may expose them to ostracization at school and other social settings, there is no evidence to support that they experience physical victimization or are teased or bullied more than their peers (Tasker & Patterson, 2007). This may, in part be due to strategies that children employ in managing the extent of disclosure provided in social and educational settings.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Dating After 40
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher
“I’m single again and I don’t remember how to go on a date!”
“We spent the whole dinner talking about my ex-husband and his late wife. Needless to say, we didn’t exactly spark.”
“What do women want these days? I haven’t dated since 1985!”
Sound familiar? If you are over 40 and find yourself in the dating pool again, it might feel like you can’t remember even how to dog paddle in the shallow end. Baggage, history, exes, kids….how can you wade through all this to find a connection with a new love interest? Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate unfamiliar waters:
DO:
* Show an interest in your date. Ask about her work, or about his hobbies. Movies, books, music, travel, food – all are great icebreaker topics and a way to get to know the person you are spending time with.
* Give your undivided attention. Put the iPhone on vibrate, resist the temptation to update your Facebook status while waiting for the appetizer to arrive (“Having a great first date!”), make eye contact, and listen.
* Put your expectations aside and enjoy yourself. Even if there is no love connection right away, look at the date as a chance to get to know someone new and have fun.
* Leave your baggage at the door. A date is a fresh chance to meet someone, get to know them, and spend a pleasant time together. We all have baggage, but there is no need to bring it along to weigh down your time together.
DON’T:
* Spend the date talking about your ex. Whether you are sharing the scoop on why the relationship fell apart and all the ways you were done wrong, or describing your ex in glowing terms, this time is about you and your date.
* Expect a love connection on the first date. Expectations create static in your thoughts that can distract you from having a good time. Be in the moment and see how things unfold.
* Feel pressured to move any faster than you feel comfortable with. Even a first kiss may feel like you are rushing things. When the moment is right to move things along, you’ll know. Remember when you were young and holding hands for the first time made you feel giddy with excitement? There is something to be said for taking it slow.
* Feel like damaged goods because you are divorced, older, or have experienced pain or sadness. Your life experiences have made you who you are today.
The most important thing to remember is – if you feel good about yourself, it will come across to everyone you meet. Dating is a fun way to explore new relationships, but it is not the ultimate goal in your newly single life.
“I’m single again and I don’t remember how to go on a date!”
“We spent the whole dinner talking about my ex-husband and his late wife. Needless to say, we didn’t exactly spark.”
“What do women want these days? I haven’t dated since 1985!”
Sound familiar? If you are over 40 and find yourself in the dating pool again, it might feel like you can’t remember even how to dog paddle in the shallow end. Baggage, history, exes, kids….how can you wade through all this to find a connection with a new love interest? Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate unfamiliar waters:
DO:
* Show an interest in your date. Ask about her work, or about his hobbies. Movies, books, music, travel, food – all are great icebreaker topics and a way to get to know the person you are spending time with.
* Give your undivided attention. Put the iPhone on vibrate, resist the temptation to update your Facebook status while waiting for the appetizer to arrive (“Having a great first date!”), make eye contact, and listen.
* Put your expectations aside and enjoy yourself. Even if there is no love connection right away, look at the date as a chance to get to know someone new and have fun.
* Leave your baggage at the door. A date is a fresh chance to meet someone, get to know them, and spend a pleasant time together. We all have baggage, but there is no need to bring it along to weigh down your time together.
DON’T:
* Spend the date talking about your ex. Whether you are sharing the scoop on why the relationship fell apart and all the ways you were done wrong, or describing your ex in glowing terms, this time is about you and your date.
* Expect a love connection on the first date. Expectations create static in your thoughts that can distract you from having a good time. Be in the moment and see how things unfold.
* Feel pressured to move any faster than you feel comfortable with. Even a first kiss may feel like you are rushing things. When the moment is right to move things along, you’ll know. Remember when you were young and holding hands for the first time made you feel giddy with excitement? There is something to be said for taking it slow.
* Feel like damaged goods because you are divorced, older, or have experienced pain or sadness. Your life experiences have made you who you are today.
The most important thing to remember is – if you feel good about yourself, it will come across to everyone you meet. Dating is a fun way to explore new relationships, but it is not the ultimate goal in your newly single life.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Thriving in Your Fifties
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher
“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me
The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.
What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.
Physical Changes
I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.
The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.
Emotional Changes
The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.
Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.
Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.
These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.
“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me
The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.
What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.
Physical Changes
I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.
The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.
Emotional Changes
The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.
Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.
Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.
These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: Common Challenges for Gay and Lesbian Parents and their Children
All parents face life stressors and relational struggles which pose challenges to parenting their children. As members of an underrepresented and stigmatized community that exists within a society steeped in heterosexist bias and homophobic prejudices, gay and lesbian persons face additional challenges when it comes not only to parenting their children, but to the act of becoming parents. The extent to which a gay or lesbian person has internalized dominant heterosexist and homophobic societal discourses can profoundly impact his or her self and/or relational concept, ideas about what he or she believes to be possible as far as becoming a parent, and/or the relational experience of parenthood (McCann & Delamonte, 2005). For example, because of a widespread homophobic notion that homosexuals (generally, but not exclusively meaning gay men) are pedophiles, they can often internalize fears about being seen as perpetrators of sexual crimes against children.
McCann and Delamonte (2005) also propose that as an effect of the differing constellations of how same-sex couples become families with children, additional challenges may be presented between the parents as well as with biological and non-biological parents and family members outside of the partner relationship. These challenges may include: negotiating transitions between multiple households; religious and cultural considerations (particularly when multiple beliefs or practices exist within the parenting or extended family system); the historical, familial, and narrative significance of naming the child (particularly the decision of the child’s surname); and how parents will be addressed by the child and by members of their family and community. Further, same-sex parents will likely need to evaluate and consider the amount of contact and degree of involvement of co-parents and other family members. Additional challenges may include: managing attempts to prove that they are good enough parents (particularly in the absence of legal sanctions recognizing and protecting a parent’s connection to the child); encountering prejudice as a family; managing disclosure as the family interfaces with the larger community; and stressors related to the health of the child or parents within the family constellation.
Intentionally constructing a family through circumstances such as adoption and foster care can carry stressors for any couple. Gay and lesbian couples experience these stressors which are often compounded by societal and political trends which make bringing a child into their home through adoption or fostering difficult. Such trends include differing adoption regulations among the states, adoption and foster agency practices which may differ from stated institutional policy, and the attitudes and beliefs of social service personnel (Lobaugh, Clements, Averill, & Olguin, 2006).
McCann and Delamonte (2005) also propose that as an effect of the differing constellations of how same-sex couples become families with children, additional challenges may be presented between the parents as well as with biological and non-biological parents and family members outside of the partner relationship. These challenges may include: negotiating transitions between multiple households; religious and cultural considerations (particularly when multiple beliefs or practices exist within the parenting or extended family system); the historical, familial, and narrative significance of naming the child (particularly the decision of the child’s surname); and how parents will be addressed by the child and by members of their family and community. Further, same-sex parents will likely need to evaluate and consider the amount of contact and degree of involvement of co-parents and other family members. Additional challenges may include: managing attempts to prove that they are good enough parents (particularly in the absence of legal sanctions recognizing and protecting a parent’s connection to the child); encountering prejudice as a family; managing disclosure as the family interfaces with the larger community; and stressors related to the health of the child or parents within the family constellation.
Intentionally constructing a family through circumstances such as adoption and foster care can carry stressors for any couple. Gay and lesbian couples experience these stressors which are often compounded by societal and political trends which make bringing a child into their home through adoption or fostering difficult. Such trends include differing adoption regulations among the states, adoption and foster agency practices which may differ from stated institutional policy, and the attitudes and beliefs of social service personnel (Lobaugh, Clements, Averill, & Olguin, 2006).
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
How Do We stay Together When Our World is Falling Apart? Tips on support and togetherness through times of emotional turmoil.
Guest Blogger: Jessica Thomas MA, MFT
It seems like life has a funny way of testing our emotional strength time and time again. There are times when we can walk upright and times where we seem to crumble. I have learned to appreciate these challenges understanding that without them, we simply would not be able to grow.
Over the past few months I have had clients come to me frustrated with the stress in their lives, and questioning their relationships. It appears that even the most functional of pairs begin to waver as life's circumstances become "too much." I have determined that stress has a funny way of contradicting love, and overwhelming feelings seem to diminish both willingness and desire.
I have heard couples discuss the strain of finances, the tension found in child rearing, and the sadness found in loss. They have discussed the disappointment with their partner's reactions. Although these grievances vary, the one that echoes most clear is the complaint of non-support. Because of this the following tips may provide with you with ideas of how to stay connected during times of trial, and also notions of how to ask and receive support during these times. The following thoughts may serve as a reminder to some and a few suggestions to others. As always I would enjoy your feed-back, and look forward to your correspondence.
Tips for managing situational stress in relationships:
1.Self Care.
For those that have worked alongside of me, you know or have heard my first question after a complaint of stress: what are you doing to take care of yourself through this time? I find it amazing that self care is the first thing we throw out in times of stress. So first, let's figure out what I mean by self care. I am talking about emotional care, stress management, a good nutritional diet, balance between alone time and social time, recreational time, and enough rest. We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but also to our partners to maintain this part of our lives, especially in times of stress.
2. COMMUNICATE!!!!!
I know this is the big one, and for some the most difficult to do. I see even the strongest communicators flounder around when the stress of life hits, so please consider the following mistakes.
*Don't expect your mate to mind read.
I hear couples state "well he/she should just know what I need". Although our partners may know our shoe size, our birthdays, and our favorite Ben and Jerry's, what you need right now, today is a little more difficult to figure out, especially if this is a stressor that you have never mastered before. Which brings us to the next tip...
*Let your partner know what you need from them.
It is very difficult to watch one another go through difficult times, letting your partner know exactly what you need will stop not only the guessing game but the chance of disappointment and conflict.
3. Separate the issues from the idea of marriage.
Don't let the stress of the issue taint your view on the marriage as a whole. Take time to problem solve, but also take time to step away from the difficulty and enjoy one another as well. Set time limits on problem-solving discussions, and allow for the issues to be contained to these times.
4. Avoid the "blame game."
Although rather self explanatory, perhaps a few words to remind of its importance. When our issue was a mistake made by one, reminding of this fault by the other appears to be the action of most. However, I would warn about the consequences of this choice as it moves us farther away from the solution, and the effects on the relationship are far from friendly. Allow for the other person to accept responsibility over their misjudgments, allow for human error, remember forgiveness, and be willing to find a solution together.
5. Take an active role in finding solutions.
Finding solutions together not only brings you closer, it also allows the responsibility of the marriage to fall on you both. When couples agree on solutions they are more willing to implement and show support and investment in their "plan."
Jessica Thomas MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA. To learn more about Jessica and the counseling services she provides visit her website at www.narrativetherapysd.com.
It seems like life has a funny way of testing our emotional strength time and time again. There are times when we can walk upright and times where we seem to crumble. I have learned to appreciate these challenges understanding that without them, we simply would not be able to grow.
Over the past few months I have had clients come to me frustrated with the stress in their lives, and questioning their relationships. It appears that even the most functional of pairs begin to waver as life's circumstances become "too much." I have determined that stress has a funny way of contradicting love, and overwhelming feelings seem to diminish both willingness and desire.
I have heard couples discuss the strain of finances, the tension found in child rearing, and the sadness found in loss. They have discussed the disappointment with their partner's reactions. Although these grievances vary, the one that echoes most clear is the complaint of non-support. Because of this the following tips may provide with you with ideas of how to stay connected during times of trial, and also notions of how to ask and receive support during these times. The following thoughts may serve as a reminder to some and a few suggestions to others. As always I would enjoy your feed-back, and look forward to your correspondence.
Tips for managing situational stress in relationships:
1.Self Care.
For those that have worked alongside of me, you know or have heard my first question after a complaint of stress: what are you doing to take care of yourself through this time? I find it amazing that self care is the first thing we throw out in times of stress. So first, let's figure out what I mean by self care. I am talking about emotional care, stress management, a good nutritional diet, balance between alone time and social time, recreational time, and enough rest. We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but also to our partners to maintain this part of our lives, especially in times of stress.
2. COMMUNICATE!!!!!
I know this is the big one, and for some the most difficult to do. I see even the strongest communicators flounder around when the stress of life hits, so please consider the following mistakes.
*Don't expect your mate to mind read.
I hear couples state "well he/she should just know what I need". Although our partners may know our shoe size, our birthdays, and our favorite Ben and Jerry's, what you need right now, today is a little more difficult to figure out, especially if this is a stressor that you have never mastered before. Which brings us to the next tip...
*Let your partner know what you need from them.
It is very difficult to watch one another go through difficult times, letting your partner know exactly what you need will stop not only the guessing game but the chance of disappointment and conflict.
3. Separate the issues from the idea of marriage.
Don't let the stress of the issue taint your view on the marriage as a whole. Take time to problem solve, but also take time to step away from the difficulty and enjoy one another as well. Set time limits on problem-solving discussions, and allow for the issues to be contained to these times.
4. Avoid the "blame game."
Although rather self explanatory, perhaps a few words to remind of its importance. When our issue was a mistake made by one, reminding of this fault by the other appears to be the action of most. However, I would warn about the consequences of this choice as it moves us farther away from the solution, and the effects on the relationship are far from friendly. Allow for the other person to accept responsibility over their misjudgments, allow for human error, remember forgiveness, and be willing to find a solution together.
5. Take an active role in finding solutions.
Finding solutions together not only brings you closer, it also allows the responsibility of the marriage to fall on you both. When couples agree on solutions they are more willing to implement and show support and investment in their "plan."
Jessica Thomas MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA. To learn more about Jessica and the counseling services she provides visit her website at www.narrativetherapysd.com.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
10 Fingers and 10 Toes
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t care, as long as the baby’s healthy. I will love him or her no matter what.”
Most parents-to-be experience the above dialogue during pregnancy. It is an exciting time and everyone wants to talk about your little one, soon to be born. You may have a secret preference for a little boy or girl, but chances are you know that you’ll be happy counting fingers and toes in the hospital room and loving your newborn unconditionally.
One of the wonders of children is how early they begin to demonstrate their individuality, with personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes. It starts as young as noticing that one particular toy holds your infant daughter’s gaze longer than any other, or that your little boy will happily eat strained carrots every day, but spinach? Forget it. With each passing year your child develops more into a person of his/her own. They have a favorite color, movie, best friend. No longer infants, they grow, explore, and hone their identities through the years.
It is virtually guaranteed that your growing child will begin to show traits that may be very different from your own. Maybe even develop in ways that go against your beliefs, your traditions, and your culture. I was standing in the grocery store last weekend and a mother and daughter were behind me in line, perusing the array of items set out on the way to the cash register. Next to the People magazines and breath mints was a small assortment of incense. The daughter, probably around the age of 16, took a stick of incense, glanced at her mother, and said “I need this. For my Wiccan practices.” Her mom snatched the incense out of her hand and slammed it back into the display. “Wiccan practices!? You are not Wiccan!! And if you think you are, I will smack you into next week!” Noticing the attention of others in line, the girl’s mother fell silent, pressing her lips together in fury and glaring at her child.
When does our approach to our children change? When are ten fingers, ten toes and a bill of health no longer enough to allow us to love unconditionally? (For the sake of discussion, let’s assume that the kids we are talking about are not criminals or abusing drugs or alcohol, are reasonably respectful, attend school, etc. That is the subject of an upcoming blog post and a much different situation – when a child is genuinely in danger, red flags are a good thing. ) In this case, however, teen or adult children may be expressing themselves in ways which make their parents uncomfortable. They could be exploring lifestyles that don’t fit with the vision the family has held and nurtured all through their childhood years. Your child may have decided that Judaism is worth learning about, and your family is Lutheran. Your child may be drawn to a career which you don’t feel holds much promise. Your child may be gay or lesbian.
What impacts you is the difference from you, your family, your ideals. “How do I know my child will be happy with this life? Is this my fault? I don’t understand.” All of these are thoughts some parents experience when a child grows up to a life which includes beliefs, people, activities, and commitments which are not your own. It is a fearful, uncomfortable feeling.
The good news is not only is your grown child probably okay, but you are as well. Fear often comes from lack of understanding and knowledge. When you feel fearful about your offspring and their wellbeing, primal instincts of protection, anger, and even running from the perceived “danger” are not unusual. Most parents will agree that there is not much more horrible than your child suffering.
But what if they are not suffering? What if they are just not like us in some significant ways?
Differences are not inherently bad. Lack of knowledge can make them seem so. Take a moment to open your heart to your son or daughter. “I want to know what your life is like, who you are. Can you help me understand you better?” Put fear aside and listen. You don’t have to embrace or even accept just yet…just listen calmly and appreciate the moment if your child is willing to be open with you. Openness breeds openness. Keep trying. Be there. Focus on what you have in common. Connect.
If your child has grown in ways that you feel you can’t understand or accept, please take the leap of openness and allow them to tell you about themselves – what they love, what they believe, how they live. Listen with an open heart. Give them the same respect you would give any other adult (or almost-adult, in the case of teens). By being there for them, you allow both of you to grow closer and to learn about the other. You can share your feelings of discomfort and still remain in a positive, supportive place together.
Hopes and dreams and visions of your child’s future filled your heart when you became a parent. 10 fingers and 10 toes – whether they are tiny and new or painted Goth black. Getting to know and accept your child as s/he grows into an independent person can enrich your life beyond measure. A 20-year-old is just as worthy of celebration as a newborn – rejoin the party of your child’s life!
Posted on July 17, 2010 in celebration of Pride, love, and equality.
“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t care, as long as the baby’s healthy. I will love him or her no matter what.”
Most parents-to-be experience the above dialogue during pregnancy. It is an exciting time and everyone wants to talk about your little one, soon to be born. You may have a secret preference for a little boy or girl, but chances are you know that you’ll be happy counting fingers and toes in the hospital room and loving your newborn unconditionally.
One of the wonders of children is how early they begin to demonstrate their individuality, with personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes. It starts as young as noticing that one particular toy holds your infant daughter’s gaze longer than any other, or that your little boy will happily eat strained carrots every day, but spinach? Forget it. With each passing year your child develops more into a person of his/her own. They have a favorite color, movie, best friend. No longer infants, they grow, explore, and hone their identities through the years.
It is virtually guaranteed that your growing child will begin to show traits that may be very different from your own. Maybe even develop in ways that go against your beliefs, your traditions, and your culture. I was standing in the grocery store last weekend and a mother and daughter were behind me in line, perusing the array of items set out on the way to the cash register. Next to the People magazines and breath mints was a small assortment of incense. The daughter, probably around the age of 16, took a stick of incense, glanced at her mother, and said “I need this. For my Wiccan practices.” Her mom snatched the incense out of her hand and slammed it back into the display. “Wiccan practices!? You are not Wiccan!! And if you think you are, I will smack you into next week!” Noticing the attention of others in line, the girl’s mother fell silent, pressing her lips together in fury and glaring at her child.
When does our approach to our children change? When are ten fingers, ten toes and a bill of health no longer enough to allow us to love unconditionally? (For the sake of discussion, let’s assume that the kids we are talking about are not criminals or abusing drugs or alcohol, are reasonably respectful, attend school, etc. That is the subject of an upcoming blog post and a much different situation – when a child is genuinely in danger, red flags are a good thing. ) In this case, however, teen or adult children may be expressing themselves in ways which make their parents uncomfortable. They could be exploring lifestyles that don’t fit with the vision the family has held and nurtured all through their childhood years. Your child may have decided that Judaism is worth learning about, and your family is Lutheran. Your child may be drawn to a career which you don’t feel holds much promise. Your child may be gay or lesbian.
What impacts you is the difference from you, your family, your ideals. “How do I know my child will be happy with this life? Is this my fault? I don’t understand.” All of these are thoughts some parents experience when a child grows up to a life which includes beliefs, people, activities, and commitments which are not your own. It is a fearful, uncomfortable feeling.
The good news is not only is your grown child probably okay, but you are as well. Fear often comes from lack of understanding and knowledge. When you feel fearful about your offspring and their wellbeing, primal instincts of protection, anger, and even running from the perceived “danger” are not unusual. Most parents will agree that there is not much more horrible than your child suffering.
But what if they are not suffering? What if they are just not like us in some significant ways?
Differences are not inherently bad. Lack of knowledge can make them seem so. Take a moment to open your heart to your son or daughter. “I want to know what your life is like, who you are. Can you help me understand you better?” Put fear aside and listen. You don’t have to embrace or even accept just yet…just listen calmly and appreciate the moment if your child is willing to be open with you. Openness breeds openness. Keep trying. Be there. Focus on what you have in common. Connect.
If your child has grown in ways that you feel you can’t understand or accept, please take the leap of openness and allow them to tell you about themselves – what they love, what they believe, how they live. Listen with an open heart. Give them the same respect you would give any other adult (or almost-adult, in the case of teens). By being there for them, you allow both of you to grow closer and to learn about the other. You can share your feelings of discomfort and still remain in a positive, supportive place together.
Hopes and dreams and visions of your child’s future filled your heart when you became a parent. 10 fingers and 10 toes – whether they are tiny and new or painted Goth black. Getting to know and accept your child as s/he grows into an independent person can enrich your life beyond measure. A 20-year-old is just as worthy of celebration as a newborn – rejoin the party of your child’s life!
Posted on July 17, 2010 in celebration of Pride, love, and equality.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Are We Having Fun Yet?
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
“I’m in therapy…I should be feeling better, right? Why do I feel more challenged than before I began?”
Many people think of therapy as an emotional tune-up, much like bringing the car in when it begins to sputter and spark. Find a good therapist, make an appointment, talk it out, pay the bill, and leave the session with a shiny new outlook. It can be disconcerting to realize that after a session or two, the real work of reaching your goals has just begun. Not only that, you may have homework, challenges to old ways of thinking, and new habits to practice. You may feel a temporary unbalancing of your emotional equilibrium as you work with your therapist through past issues and identify new, effective ways to live your life.
When heartache, dissatisfaction, and unease have existed for months or years, it can take a bit of time to uncover thoughts and feelings to get to where you want to be. Old feelings and memories can pop up to the surface, leading you to wonder when the peace and serenity you seek is going to become a reality.
Hang in there! Your therapist is a partner in this journey with you, and is there to provide a safe space to explore past and current issues. It is common to feel a mixture of relief and vulnerability when you begin therapy. You may be exploring feelings which have been dormant for years. Uncovering one layer may remind you of others you would like to address. It takes some time to see all the issues more clearly. If anything, that bit of discomfort can be a sign that old issues are being deconstructed so that you can move forward toward your goals.
Most therapists don’t believe in prolonging therapy just for the sake of keeping you in treatment. Your goals and challenges make up the path we walk with you, keeping the sessions focused and on track. Each person is different, and your therapist will work with you to understand your needs. So if you feel a little off balance, vulnerable, and even raw at times when you start therapy, don’t despair. That’s the time to dig in and push forward, using the tools you gain in your sessions. Be sure to bring up any of these feelings with your therapist, as well. She needs to know how the process is working for you, and by sharing how you are experiencing therapy, the two of you can work together to make the journey more effective.
“I’m in therapy…I should be feeling better, right? Why do I feel more challenged than before I began?”
Many people think of therapy as an emotional tune-up, much like bringing the car in when it begins to sputter and spark. Find a good therapist, make an appointment, talk it out, pay the bill, and leave the session with a shiny new outlook. It can be disconcerting to realize that after a session or two, the real work of reaching your goals has just begun. Not only that, you may have homework, challenges to old ways of thinking, and new habits to practice. You may feel a temporary unbalancing of your emotional equilibrium as you work with your therapist through past issues and identify new, effective ways to live your life.
When heartache, dissatisfaction, and unease have existed for months or years, it can take a bit of time to uncover thoughts and feelings to get to where you want to be. Old feelings and memories can pop up to the surface, leading you to wonder when the peace and serenity you seek is going to become a reality.
Hang in there! Your therapist is a partner in this journey with you, and is there to provide a safe space to explore past and current issues. It is common to feel a mixture of relief and vulnerability when you begin therapy. You may be exploring feelings which have been dormant for years. Uncovering one layer may remind you of others you would like to address. It takes some time to see all the issues more clearly. If anything, that bit of discomfort can be a sign that old issues are being deconstructed so that you can move forward toward your goals.
Most therapists don’t believe in prolonging therapy just for the sake of keeping you in treatment. Your goals and challenges make up the path we walk with you, keeping the sessions focused and on track. Each person is different, and your therapist will work with you to understand your needs. So if you feel a little off balance, vulnerable, and even raw at times when you start therapy, don’t despair. That’s the time to dig in and push forward, using the tools you gain in your sessions. Be sure to bring up any of these feelings with your therapist, as well. She needs to know how the process is working for you, and by sharing how you are experiencing therapy, the two of you can work together to make the journey more effective.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)