Guest Blogger: Jessica Thomas MA, MFT
It seems like life has a funny way of testing our emotional strength time and time again. There are times when we can walk upright and times where we seem to crumble. I have learned to appreciate these challenges understanding that without them, we simply would not be able to grow.
Over the past few months I have had clients come to me frustrated with the stress in their lives, and questioning their relationships. It appears that even the most functional of pairs begin to waver as life's circumstances become "too much." I have determined that stress has a funny way of contradicting love, and overwhelming feelings seem to diminish both willingness and desire.
I have heard couples discuss the strain of finances, the tension found in child rearing, and the sadness found in loss. They have discussed the disappointment with their partner's reactions. Although these grievances vary, the one that echoes most clear is the complaint of non-support. Because of this the following tips may provide with you with ideas of how to stay connected during times of trial, and also notions of how to ask and receive support during these times. The following thoughts may serve as a reminder to some and a few suggestions to others. As always I would enjoy your feed-back, and look forward to your correspondence.
Tips for managing situational stress in relationships:
1.Self Care.
For those that have worked alongside of me, you know or have heard my first question after a complaint of stress: what are you doing to take care of yourself through this time? I find it amazing that self care is the first thing we throw out in times of stress. So first, let's figure out what I mean by self care. I am talking about emotional care, stress management, a good nutritional diet, balance between alone time and social time, recreational time, and enough rest. We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but also to our partners to maintain this part of our lives, especially in times of stress.
2. COMMUNICATE!!!!!
I know this is the big one, and for some the most difficult to do. I see even the strongest communicators flounder around when the stress of life hits, so please consider the following mistakes.
*Don't expect your mate to mind read.
I hear couples state "well he/she should just know what I need". Although our partners may know our shoe size, our birthdays, and our favorite Ben and Jerry's, what you need right now, today is a little more difficult to figure out, especially if this is a stressor that you have never mastered before. Which brings us to the next tip...
*Let your partner know what you need from them.
It is very difficult to watch one another go through difficult times, letting your partner know exactly what you need will stop not only the guessing game but the chance of disappointment and conflict.
3. Separate the issues from the idea of marriage.
Don't let the stress of the issue taint your view on the marriage as a whole. Take time to problem solve, but also take time to step away from the difficulty and enjoy one another as well. Set time limits on problem-solving discussions, and allow for the issues to be contained to these times.
4. Avoid the "blame game."
Although rather self explanatory, perhaps a few words to remind of its importance. When our issue was a mistake made by one, reminding of this fault by the other appears to be the action of most. However, I would warn about the consequences of this choice as it moves us farther away from the solution, and the effects on the relationship are far from friendly. Allow for the other person to accept responsibility over their misjudgments, allow for human error, remember forgiveness, and be willing to find a solution together.
5. Take an active role in finding solutions.
Finding solutions together not only brings you closer, it also allows the responsibility of the marriage to fall on you both. When couples agree on solutions they are more willing to implement and show support and investment in their "plan."
Jessica Thomas MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA. To learn more about Jessica and the counseling services she provides visit her website at www.narrativetherapysd.com.
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