The “Coming Out” process for gay and lesbian individuals is complex and, in contrast to many other marginalized groups, can vary from context to context on a day to day basis. In coupling, gay and lesbian partners may experience discrepancies in the degree to which each individual discloses his or her sexual orientation to persons outside of his or her home such as family, friends, and coworkers. Though many contexts have become more accepting to gays and lesbians, members of same-sex families with children may have differing viewpoints about which contexts they choose to disclose their own sexual orientation or the sexual orientation of the parent(s) (Tasker & Patterson, 2007).
Tasker and Patterson (2007) state:
One of the main questions that any lesbian or gay parent faces is when to disclose one’s sexual identity to others. Judging whether, when, and how to disclose is a complex task. When disclosure is not just an individual matter but involves family relationships, the complexities multiply (p. 16).
Issues of disclosure often exist in educational and healthcare settings, and may be more challenging for parents and children born within heterosexual relationships who now identify as gay or lesbian than for planned gay or lesbian-led families. Although children may be subjected to the effects of homophobia and have concerns and fears that their parent(s) sexual orientation may expose them to ostracization at school and other social settings, there is no evidence to support that they experience physical victimization or are teased or bullied more than their peers (Tasker & Patterson, 2007). This may, in part be due to strategies that children employ in managing the extent of disclosure provided in social and educational settings.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Dating After 40
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher
“I’m single again and I don’t remember how to go on a date!”
“We spent the whole dinner talking about my ex-husband and his late wife. Needless to say, we didn’t exactly spark.”
“What do women want these days? I haven’t dated since 1985!”
Sound familiar? If you are over 40 and find yourself in the dating pool again, it might feel like you can’t remember even how to dog paddle in the shallow end. Baggage, history, exes, kids….how can you wade through all this to find a connection with a new love interest? Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate unfamiliar waters:
DO:
* Show an interest in your date. Ask about her work, or about his hobbies. Movies, books, music, travel, food – all are great icebreaker topics and a way to get to know the person you are spending time with.
* Give your undivided attention. Put the iPhone on vibrate, resist the temptation to update your Facebook status while waiting for the appetizer to arrive (“Having a great first date!”), make eye contact, and listen.
* Put your expectations aside and enjoy yourself. Even if there is no love connection right away, look at the date as a chance to get to know someone new and have fun.
* Leave your baggage at the door. A date is a fresh chance to meet someone, get to know them, and spend a pleasant time together. We all have baggage, but there is no need to bring it along to weigh down your time together.
DON’T:
* Spend the date talking about your ex. Whether you are sharing the scoop on why the relationship fell apart and all the ways you were done wrong, or describing your ex in glowing terms, this time is about you and your date.
* Expect a love connection on the first date. Expectations create static in your thoughts that can distract you from having a good time. Be in the moment and see how things unfold.
* Feel pressured to move any faster than you feel comfortable with. Even a first kiss may feel like you are rushing things. When the moment is right to move things along, you’ll know. Remember when you were young and holding hands for the first time made you feel giddy with excitement? There is something to be said for taking it slow.
* Feel like damaged goods because you are divorced, older, or have experienced pain or sadness. Your life experiences have made you who you are today.
The most important thing to remember is – if you feel good about yourself, it will come across to everyone you meet. Dating is a fun way to explore new relationships, but it is not the ultimate goal in your newly single life.
“I’m single again and I don’t remember how to go on a date!”
“We spent the whole dinner talking about my ex-husband and his late wife. Needless to say, we didn’t exactly spark.”
“What do women want these days? I haven’t dated since 1985!”
Sound familiar? If you are over 40 and find yourself in the dating pool again, it might feel like you can’t remember even how to dog paddle in the shallow end. Baggage, history, exes, kids….how can you wade through all this to find a connection with a new love interest? Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate unfamiliar waters:
DO:
* Show an interest in your date. Ask about her work, or about his hobbies. Movies, books, music, travel, food – all are great icebreaker topics and a way to get to know the person you are spending time with.
* Give your undivided attention. Put the iPhone on vibrate, resist the temptation to update your Facebook status while waiting for the appetizer to arrive (“Having a great first date!”), make eye contact, and listen.
* Put your expectations aside and enjoy yourself. Even if there is no love connection right away, look at the date as a chance to get to know someone new and have fun.
* Leave your baggage at the door. A date is a fresh chance to meet someone, get to know them, and spend a pleasant time together. We all have baggage, but there is no need to bring it along to weigh down your time together.
DON’T:
* Spend the date talking about your ex. Whether you are sharing the scoop on why the relationship fell apart and all the ways you were done wrong, or describing your ex in glowing terms, this time is about you and your date.
* Expect a love connection on the first date. Expectations create static in your thoughts that can distract you from having a good time. Be in the moment and see how things unfold.
* Feel pressured to move any faster than you feel comfortable with. Even a first kiss may feel like you are rushing things. When the moment is right to move things along, you’ll know. Remember when you were young and holding hands for the first time made you feel giddy with excitement? There is something to be said for taking it slow.
* Feel like damaged goods because you are divorced, older, or have experienced pain or sadness. Your life experiences have made you who you are today.
The most important thing to remember is – if you feel good about yourself, it will come across to everyone you meet. Dating is a fun way to explore new relationships, but it is not the ultimate goal in your newly single life.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Thriving in Your Fifties
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher
“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me
The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.
What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.
Physical Changes
I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.
The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.
Emotional Changes
The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.
Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.
Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.
These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.
“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me
The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.
What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.
Physical Changes
I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.
The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.
Emotional Changes
The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.
Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.
Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.
These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.
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