In the evaluation of a child’s development, educators and mental health professionals have traditionally utilized standardized developmental preconceptions which arrive at reductionistic conclusions and impose dominant cultural assumptions (Smith & Nylund, 1997). This often leads both the service provider and his or her client(s) to construct an identity characterized by deficit. When service providers deflect human problems to the mental domain the social and political antecedents of problems remain unchallenged. For example, in discussing the Martin’s 1998 publication, Litovich and Langhout (2004) posit:
One of the arguments against children being raised by lesbian or gay parents is that the experience will cause undue social difficulties because of heterosexism resulting in homophobia, stigmatization, and discrimination. This argument seems ironic as sexual-minority parents are not to blame for society’s prejudice and yet, their parenting abilities are questioned on the grounds that their children will experience difficulties as a result of this prejudice (pp. 411-412).
Further, in their review of literature related to the developmental outcomes of children raised by lesbian parents, Litovich and Langhout (2004) found that the most significant differences between children of lesbian parents and children of heterosexual parents pointed to positive developmental outcomes for children with lesbian parents including an increased capacity for empathy, appreciation of difference, and awareness of inequality and prejudice.
A growing body of literature that challenges much of the deficit language prevalent within the child development literature is largely concerned with the construct of resilience. While very little of this literature specifically addresses the experiences of gay and lesbian parents and their children, the construct of resiliency does offer us another paradigm with which to understand the experiences of these families. This is particularly poignant in that although children raised in same-sex headed households must contend with the day to day reality of living in a heterosexist and homophobic context, their development has not been shown to be negatively affected according the empirical research (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 1999; Anderssen, Amlie, & Ytterøy, 2002; Litovich & Langhout, 2004; McCann & Delamonte, 2005; Meezan & Rauch, 2005; Patterson, 2006)
In their interviews with lesbian families, Litovich and Langhout (2004) traced several themes related to resiliencies present within these families. These included open discourse on sexual orientation from a young age and discussion and invitations to future dialogue about the possibility of heterosexist incidents that the children might experience. Examples of coping strategies which frame experiences of heterosexism as outside of the personal worth of the child and which teach the child compassion, even for those who are intolerant of them are understood within the resiliency paradigm. In this way, the family becomes a major source of support for the child, resiliently fostering the development of positive self esteem.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Starting Therapy
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
So you’ve decided to enter therapy. Maybe you would like support with your relationship, meeting personal goals, or making constructive changes in your life. Whether you have been in therapy before or this will be your first time, here are some tips to make the experience right for you.
A Good “Fit”
When you envision your ideal therapist, what kind of person are you looking for? Someone who is a skilled listener, neutral and reflective of your thoughts and feelings, or perhaps someone more directive? Therapists are individuals, just as you are, and their personal style can help you feel comfortable and able to open up to the work of therapy. In addition, there are a myriad of “theoretical orientations,” or approaches to psychotherapy. A helpful list of therapy models can be found here, at GoodTherapy.org. Take a little time to browse through the descriptions and see which ones appeal to you. Many therapists utilize an integrative approach, meaning they are experienced in several theories and able to tailor your therapy using more than one approach.
Narrow your search
There are a number of online directories of therapists and counselors. Http://www.GoodTherapy.org, http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/, and http://www.therapistfinder.com/ are just a few of these directories. You may want to consider factors such as the therapist’s:
-Licensure (Psychologist, MFT, LPCC, LCSW, etc)
-Education and training
-Location
-Type of insurance accepted, if any
-Rates and fees
-Gender (this can be a factor for some clients)
Narrow down your list of possibilities to the top 3-4 therapists, then make some informational calls to their offices to obtain further information to assist you in making an appointment. Note: some therapists offer a free brief consultation by phone to enable both of you to determine if you have a potential therapeutic fit.
Your first session
Your first session with a new therapist will most likely involve filling out some required paperwork, as well as discussing office policies, confidentiality, and other information about therapy and what you can expect. You will also be sharing what brings you to therapy – the key issues you are facing, your goals, your challenges. This allows the therapist to get a sense of the type of support needed. Usually the first session or two involve a lot of “fact finding” – learning about the client and their experiences, needs, thoughts, and feelings. This is also your opportunity to ask any additional questions you have, as well.
Subsequent therapy sessions
Therapy involves much more than a client who talks and a therapist who listens. Much of the work of healing comes from the interaction and relationship between client and therapist. Some therapists offer homework assignments or reading in between sessions. One thing that surprises many people who are new to therapy is that the process is not always quick and easy. Exploring innermost thoughts and feelings can be like peeling down the layers of an onion. You work through an event from your adolescence, only to find that you have uncovered a troublesome memory from early childhood. You set a goal to work on your body image and as soon as you start feeling good about yourself, you find your relationship is impacted by the changes you have worked so hard to achieve. You become sober, and then become aware that you have to make amends to your loved ones hurt by addiction. This is to be expected, and good therapists will work with you in a holistic manner – treating the whole person, not just isolated parts.
When does therapy end?
As I have mentioned in other posts, most therapists are not in the business of keeping you in therapy for its own sake. In my practice, I work with my clients on solutions and personal empowerment, believing that each person has the potential to achieve and maintain wellness without relying on a therapist for the rest of their lives. Once you near the end of your treatment, you and your therapist can discuss your progress, remaining work to be done, and review the tools you have gained in therapy. I have had a few clients move on from therapy, only to check in a couple of times a year for an “emotional tune-up” during a time of stress or challenge.
How can I make the most of this process?
-Come to your appointments prepared – bring questions, thoughts, and participate in the session.
-If something is not working for you, let your therapist know.
-Homework assignments are used by some therapists to help you move through the process more effectively. Give it a try, even if you had hoped your homework days were long behind you!
-Therapy is a place you can be honest and open, even with tough emotions like anger and sadness.
-Remember it is not up to the therapist to “cure” you. Therapy is a team effort and you are in charge of your life, your commitment, your investment in the process.
So you’ve decided to enter therapy. Maybe you would like support with your relationship, meeting personal goals, or making constructive changes in your life. Whether you have been in therapy before or this will be your first time, here are some tips to make the experience right for you.
A Good “Fit”
When you envision your ideal therapist, what kind of person are you looking for? Someone who is a skilled listener, neutral and reflective of your thoughts and feelings, or perhaps someone more directive? Therapists are individuals, just as you are, and their personal style can help you feel comfortable and able to open up to the work of therapy. In addition, there are a myriad of “theoretical orientations,” or approaches to psychotherapy. A helpful list of therapy models can be found here, at GoodTherapy.org. Take a little time to browse through the descriptions and see which ones appeal to you. Many therapists utilize an integrative approach, meaning they are experienced in several theories and able to tailor your therapy using more than one approach.
Narrow your search
There are a number of online directories of therapists and counselors. Http://www.GoodTherapy.org, http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/, and http://www.therapistfinder.com/ are just a few of these directories. You may want to consider factors such as the therapist’s:
-Licensure (Psychologist, MFT, LPCC, LCSW, etc)
-Education and training
-Location
-Type of insurance accepted, if any
-Rates and fees
-Gender (this can be a factor for some clients)
Narrow down your list of possibilities to the top 3-4 therapists, then make some informational calls to their offices to obtain further information to assist you in making an appointment. Note: some therapists offer a free brief consultation by phone to enable both of you to determine if you have a potential therapeutic fit.
Your first session
Your first session with a new therapist will most likely involve filling out some required paperwork, as well as discussing office policies, confidentiality, and other information about therapy and what you can expect. You will also be sharing what brings you to therapy – the key issues you are facing, your goals, your challenges. This allows the therapist to get a sense of the type of support needed. Usually the first session or two involve a lot of “fact finding” – learning about the client and their experiences, needs, thoughts, and feelings. This is also your opportunity to ask any additional questions you have, as well.
Subsequent therapy sessions
Therapy involves much more than a client who talks and a therapist who listens. Much of the work of healing comes from the interaction and relationship between client and therapist. Some therapists offer homework assignments or reading in between sessions. One thing that surprises many people who are new to therapy is that the process is not always quick and easy. Exploring innermost thoughts and feelings can be like peeling down the layers of an onion. You work through an event from your adolescence, only to find that you have uncovered a troublesome memory from early childhood. You set a goal to work on your body image and as soon as you start feeling good about yourself, you find your relationship is impacted by the changes you have worked so hard to achieve. You become sober, and then become aware that you have to make amends to your loved ones hurt by addiction. This is to be expected, and good therapists will work with you in a holistic manner – treating the whole person, not just isolated parts.
When does therapy end?
As I have mentioned in other posts, most therapists are not in the business of keeping you in therapy for its own sake. In my practice, I work with my clients on solutions and personal empowerment, believing that each person has the potential to achieve and maintain wellness without relying on a therapist for the rest of their lives. Once you near the end of your treatment, you and your therapist can discuss your progress, remaining work to be done, and review the tools you have gained in therapy. I have had a few clients move on from therapy, only to check in a couple of times a year for an “emotional tune-up” during a time of stress or challenge.
How can I make the most of this process?
-Come to your appointments prepared – bring questions, thoughts, and participate in the session.
-If something is not working for you, let your therapist know.
-Homework assignments are used by some therapists to help you move through the process more effectively. Give it a try, even if you had hoped your homework days were long behind you!
-Therapy is a place you can be honest and open, even with tough emotions like anger and sadness.
-Remember it is not up to the therapist to “cure” you. Therapy is a team effort and you are in charge of your life, your commitment, your investment in the process.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Ex Factor
Tips for maintaining a workable relationship with your ex
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
When a relationship ends, there may be negative feelings and unresolved conflicts. If children are involved, their wellbeing must be considered when former spouses/partners interact after a split. This article will help identify some tools you can use to achieve a peaceful resolution to the end of a relationship, and to cope with challenges and frustrations.
1) Define your boundaries
What role will you now play in your ex’s life? What role will s/he take on in yours? Perhaps you want to remain friends, or maybe you feel it’s best to remain at arm’s length. If you have children, co-parenting is going to link your separate lives. What will be best for everyone involved, especially the kids? Give some thought and discussion to how your relationship will change, and how you can respect one another’s boundaries with respect and civility.
2) Communication is key
Some couples are able to keep healthy channels of communication open, discussing issues like child visitation and finances cooperatively. Others struggle with hostility and find it difficult to engage in any manner. If you have reason to communicate with your ex, it’s worth the effort to help keep the interaction civilized and focused on the issue at hand, such as visitation. Negative communication is stressful for everyone, and can result in long-term emotional repercussions for your children.
3) Put aside your pride
When your ex may have caused you emotional pain, or when you feel the separation or its effects are unfair or undesirable, it can be almost impossible not to engage in the blame game. Ultimately, this only causes harm to you and your children. Your self esteem suffers and your kids feel torn and confused. Hold your head up. The view is much nicer from the high road, I promise you that. Even if you are not in a place of forgiveness, you can present yourself as calm, respectful, and agreeable when possible.
4) “Wonder what she’s up to…?”
Whether it is driving by your ex’s home to see whose car is in the driveway, checking Facebook status, or quizzing friends about his activities, preoccupation with your ex is not a healthy place to be. Curiosity, nostalgia, even sparks of jealousy are normal feelings after a breakup. Acting on those feelings, or even worse, losing yourself in their grip, can be a sign you could benefit from some support in your healing.
5) Take care of yourself
A breakup or divorce can feel like a sort of death. There is often a grieving process, almost certainly some stress from adjusting to life without your partner. It is vital that you remember to keep yourself well, both physically and emotionally. Eat well, get enough sleep, and don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends and family when you need support. Seek therapy if you would like to speak to someone who can help you through this journey.
6) When it isn’t working
What if your best efforts to interact with your ex are not reciprocated? Your boundaries are not respected, communication is full of anger and blame, and the kids are being pulled into the middle of your battles with your ex. Plan B: all of the above tips still apply, but in cases where you and your ex cannot communicate without hostility and you find yourself stressed, frustrated, and even afraid for the safety of yourself and your children, it’s time to think about external support. Couples therapy can help the two of you learn to navigate your separation more amicably, and therapy for your children can provide support as well. Family court can offer a mediator to assist with staying within the terms of your divorce and child custody agreement. And in the most extreme cases, the court can revise agreements, enact restraining orders, or help you both adhere to the terms of your separation.
Most often, time is what is most needed to help heal old wounds as your relationship with your ex is redefined and you both move on. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it – whether you would benefit from a neutral, supportive environment to establish new tools for dealing with one another after separation, or you require intervention to turn down the heat of past pain and anger – we are here to help. Narrative.Contemporary Therapy Collective at (619) 261-4221 or info@narrativetherapysd.com.
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
When a relationship ends, there may be negative feelings and unresolved conflicts. If children are involved, their wellbeing must be considered when former spouses/partners interact after a split. This article will help identify some tools you can use to achieve a peaceful resolution to the end of a relationship, and to cope with challenges and frustrations.
1) Define your boundaries
What role will you now play in your ex’s life? What role will s/he take on in yours? Perhaps you want to remain friends, or maybe you feel it’s best to remain at arm’s length. If you have children, co-parenting is going to link your separate lives. What will be best for everyone involved, especially the kids? Give some thought and discussion to how your relationship will change, and how you can respect one another’s boundaries with respect and civility.
2) Communication is key
Some couples are able to keep healthy channels of communication open, discussing issues like child visitation and finances cooperatively. Others struggle with hostility and find it difficult to engage in any manner. If you have reason to communicate with your ex, it’s worth the effort to help keep the interaction civilized and focused on the issue at hand, such as visitation. Negative communication is stressful for everyone, and can result in long-term emotional repercussions for your children.
3) Put aside your pride
When your ex may have caused you emotional pain, or when you feel the separation or its effects are unfair or undesirable, it can be almost impossible not to engage in the blame game. Ultimately, this only causes harm to you and your children. Your self esteem suffers and your kids feel torn and confused. Hold your head up. The view is much nicer from the high road, I promise you that. Even if you are not in a place of forgiveness, you can present yourself as calm, respectful, and agreeable when possible.
4) “Wonder what she’s up to…?”
Whether it is driving by your ex’s home to see whose car is in the driveway, checking Facebook status, or quizzing friends about his activities, preoccupation with your ex is not a healthy place to be. Curiosity, nostalgia, even sparks of jealousy are normal feelings after a breakup. Acting on those feelings, or even worse, losing yourself in their grip, can be a sign you could benefit from some support in your healing.
5) Take care of yourself
A breakup or divorce can feel like a sort of death. There is often a grieving process, almost certainly some stress from adjusting to life without your partner. It is vital that you remember to keep yourself well, both physically and emotionally. Eat well, get enough sleep, and don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends and family when you need support. Seek therapy if you would like to speak to someone who can help you through this journey.
6) When it isn’t working
What if your best efforts to interact with your ex are not reciprocated? Your boundaries are not respected, communication is full of anger and blame, and the kids are being pulled into the middle of your battles with your ex. Plan B: all of the above tips still apply, but in cases where you and your ex cannot communicate without hostility and you find yourself stressed, frustrated, and even afraid for the safety of yourself and your children, it’s time to think about external support. Couples therapy can help the two of you learn to navigate your separation more amicably, and therapy for your children can provide support as well. Family court can offer a mediator to assist with staying within the terms of your divorce and child custody agreement. And in the most extreme cases, the court can revise agreements, enact restraining orders, or help you both adhere to the terms of your separation.
Most often, time is what is most needed to help heal old wounds as your relationship with your ex is redefined and you both move on. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it – whether you would benefit from a neutral, supportive environment to establish new tools for dealing with one another after separation, or you require intervention to turn down the heat of past pain and anger – we are here to help. Narrative.Contemporary Therapy Collective at (619) 261-4221 or info@narrativetherapysd.com.
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