Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
So you’ve decided to enter therapy. Maybe you would like support with your relationship, meeting personal goals, or making constructive changes in your life. Whether you have been in therapy before or this will be your first time, here are some tips to make the experience right for you.
A Good “Fit”
When you envision your ideal therapist, what kind of person are you looking for? Someone who is a skilled listener, neutral and reflective of your thoughts and feelings, or perhaps someone more directive? Therapists are individuals, just as you are, and their personal style can help you feel comfortable and able to open up to the work of therapy. In addition, there are a myriad of “theoretical orientations,” or approaches to psychotherapy. A helpful list of therapy models can be found here, at GoodTherapy.org. Take a little time to browse through the descriptions and see which ones appeal to you. Many therapists utilize an integrative approach, meaning they are experienced in several theories and able to tailor your therapy using more than one approach.
Narrow your search
There are a number of online directories of therapists and counselors. Http://www.GoodTherapy.org, http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/, and http://www.therapistfinder.com/ are just a few of these directories. You may want to consider factors such as the therapist’s:
-Licensure (Psychologist, MFT, LPCC, LCSW, etc)
-Education and training
-Location
-Type of insurance accepted, if any
-Rates and fees
-Gender (this can be a factor for some clients)
Narrow down your list of possibilities to the top 3-4 therapists, then make some informational calls to their offices to obtain further information to assist you in making an appointment. Note: some therapists offer a free brief consultation by phone to enable both of you to determine if you have a potential therapeutic fit.
Your first session
Your first session with a new therapist will most likely involve filling out some required paperwork, as well as discussing office policies, confidentiality, and other information about therapy and what you can expect. You will also be sharing what brings you to therapy – the key issues you are facing, your goals, your challenges. This allows the therapist to get a sense of the type of support needed. Usually the first session or two involve a lot of “fact finding” – learning about the client and their experiences, needs, thoughts, and feelings. This is also your opportunity to ask any additional questions you have, as well.
Subsequent therapy sessions
Therapy involves much more than a client who talks and a therapist who listens. Much of the work of healing comes from the interaction and relationship between client and therapist. Some therapists offer homework assignments or reading in between sessions. One thing that surprises many people who are new to therapy is that the process is not always quick and easy. Exploring innermost thoughts and feelings can be like peeling down the layers of an onion. You work through an event from your adolescence, only to find that you have uncovered a troublesome memory from early childhood. You set a goal to work on your body image and as soon as you start feeling good about yourself, you find your relationship is impacted by the changes you have worked so hard to achieve. You become sober, and then become aware that you have to make amends to your loved ones hurt by addiction. This is to be expected, and good therapists will work with you in a holistic manner – treating the whole person, not just isolated parts.
When does therapy end?
As I have mentioned in other posts, most therapists are not in the business of keeping you in therapy for its own sake. In my practice, I work with my clients on solutions and personal empowerment, believing that each person has the potential to achieve and maintain wellness without relying on a therapist for the rest of their lives. Once you near the end of your treatment, you and your therapist can discuss your progress, remaining work to be done, and review the tools you have gained in therapy. I have had a few clients move on from therapy, only to check in a couple of times a year for an “emotional tune-up” during a time of stress or challenge.
How can I make the most of this process?
-Come to your appointments prepared – bring questions, thoughts, and participate in the session.
-If something is not working for you, let your therapist know.
-Homework assignments are used by some therapists to help you move through the process more effectively. Give it a try, even if you had hoped your homework days were long behind you!
-Therapy is a place you can be honest and open, even with tough emotions like anger and sadness.
-Remember it is not up to the therapist to “cure” you. Therapy is a team effort and you are in charge of your life, your commitment, your investment in the process.
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Ex Factor
Tips for maintaining a workable relationship with your ex
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
When a relationship ends, there may be negative feelings and unresolved conflicts. If children are involved, their wellbeing must be considered when former spouses/partners interact after a split. This article will help identify some tools you can use to achieve a peaceful resolution to the end of a relationship, and to cope with challenges and frustrations.
1) Define your boundaries
What role will you now play in your ex’s life? What role will s/he take on in yours? Perhaps you want to remain friends, or maybe you feel it’s best to remain at arm’s length. If you have children, co-parenting is going to link your separate lives. What will be best for everyone involved, especially the kids? Give some thought and discussion to how your relationship will change, and how you can respect one another’s boundaries with respect and civility.
2) Communication is key
Some couples are able to keep healthy channels of communication open, discussing issues like child visitation and finances cooperatively. Others struggle with hostility and find it difficult to engage in any manner. If you have reason to communicate with your ex, it’s worth the effort to help keep the interaction civilized and focused on the issue at hand, such as visitation. Negative communication is stressful for everyone, and can result in long-term emotional repercussions for your children.
3) Put aside your pride
When your ex may have caused you emotional pain, or when you feel the separation or its effects are unfair or undesirable, it can be almost impossible not to engage in the blame game. Ultimately, this only causes harm to you and your children. Your self esteem suffers and your kids feel torn and confused. Hold your head up. The view is much nicer from the high road, I promise you that. Even if you are not in a place of forgiveness, you can present yourself as calm, respectful, and agreeable when possible.
4) “Wonder what she’s up to…?”
Whether it is driving by your ex’s home to see whose car is in the driveway, checking Facebook status, or quizzing friends about his activities, preoccupation with your ex is not a healthy place to be. Curiosity, nostalgia, even sparks of jealousy are normal feelings after a breakup. Acting on those feelings, or even worse, losing yourself in their grip, can be a sign you could benefit from some support in your healing.
5) Take care of yourself
A breakup or divorce can feel like a sort of death. There is often a grieving process, almost certainly some stress from adjusting to life without your partner. It is vital that you remember to keep yourself well, both physically and emotionally. Eat well, get enough sleep, and don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends and family when you need support. Seek therapy if you would like to speak to someone who can help you through this journey.
6) When it isn’t working
What if your best efforts to interact with your ex are not reciprocated? Your boundaries are not respected, communication is full of anger and blame, and the kids are being pulled into the middle of your battles with your ex. Plan B: all of the above tips still apply, but in cases where you and your ex cannot communicate without hostility and you find yourself stressed, frustrated, and even afraid for the safety of yourself and your children, it’s time to think about external support. Couples therapy can help the two of you learn to navigate your separation more amicably, and therapy for your children can provide support as well. Family court can offer a mediator to assist with staying within the terms of your divorce and child custody agreement. And in the most extreme cases, the court can revise agreements, enact restraining orders, or help you both adhere to the terms of your separation.
Most often, time is what is most needed to help heal old wounds as your relationship with your ex is redefined and you both move on. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it – whether you would benefit from a neutral, supportive environment to establish new tools for dealing with one another after separation, or you require intervention to turn down the heat of past pain and anger – we are here to help. Narrative.Contemporary Therapy Collective at (619) 261-4221 or info@narrativetherapysd.com.
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
When a relationship ends, there may be negative feelings and unresolved conflicts. If children are involved, their wellbeing must be considered when former spouses/partners interact after a split. This article will help identify some tools you can use to achieve a peaceful resolution to the end of a relationship, and to cope with challenges and frustrations.
1) Define your boundaries
What role will you now play in your ex’s life? What role will s/he take on in yours? Perhaps you want to remain friends, or maybe you feel it’s best to remain at arm’s length. If you have children, co-parenting is going to link your separate lives. What will be best for everyone involved, especially the kids? Give some thought and discussion to how your relationship will change, and how you can respect one another’s boundaries with respect and civility.
2) Communication is key
Some couples are able to keep healthy channels of communication open, discussing issues like child visitation and finances cooperatively. Others struggle with hostility and find it difficult to engage in any manner. If you have reason to communicate with your ex, it’s worth the effort to help keep the interaction civilized and focused on the issue at hand, such as visitation. Negative communication is stressful for everyone, and can result in long-term emotional repercussions for your children.
3) Put aside your pride
When your ex may have caused you emotional pain, or when you feel the separation or its effects are unfair or undesirable, it can be almost impossible not to engage in the blame game. Ultimately, this only causes harm to you and your children. Your self esteem suffers and your kids feel torn and confused. Hold your head up. The view is much nicer from the high road, I promise you that. Even if you are not in a place of forgiveness, you can present yourself as calm, respectful, and agreeable when possible.
4) “Wonder what she’s up to…?”
Whether it is driving by your ex’s home to see whose car is in the driveway, checking Facebook status, or quizzing friends about his activities, preoccupation with your ex is not a healthy place to be. Curiosity, nostalgia, even sparks of jealousy are normal feelings after a breakup. Acting on those feelings, or even worse, losing yourself in their grip, can be a sign you could benefit from some support in your healing.
5) Take care of yourself
A breakup or divorce can feel like a sort of death. There is often a grieving process, almost certainly some stress from adjusting to life without your partner. It is vital that you remember to keep yourself well, both physically and emotionally. Eat well, get enough sleep, and don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends and family when you need support. Seek therapy if you would like to speak to someone who can help you through this journey.
6) When it isn’t working
What if your best efforts to interact with your ex are not reciprocated? Your boundaries are not respected, communication is full of anger and blame, and the kids are being pulled into the middle of your battles with your ex. Plan B: all of the above tips still apply, but in cases where you and your ex cannot communicate without hostility and you find yourself stressed, frustrated, and even afraid for the safety of yourself and your children, it’s time to think about external support. Couples therapy can help the two of you learn to navigate your separation more amicably, and therapy for your children can provide support as well. Family court can offer a mediator to assist with staying within the terms of your divorce and child custody agreement. And in the most extreme cases, the court can revise agreements, enact restraining orders, or help you both adhere to the terms of your separation.
Most often, time is what is most needed to help heal old wounds as your relationship with your ex is redefined and you both move on. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it – whether you would benefit from a neutral, supportive environment to establish new tools for dealing with one another after separation, or you require intervention to turn down the heat of past pain and anger – we are here to help. Narrative.Contemporary Therapy Collective at (619) 261-4221 or info@narrativetherapysd.com.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Thriving in Your Fifties
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher
“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me
The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.
What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.
Physical Changes
I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.
The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.
Emotional Changes
The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.
Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.
Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.
These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.
“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me
The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.
What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.
Physical Changes
I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.
The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.
Emotional Changes
The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.
Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.
Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.
These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.
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