Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: Common Challenges for Gay and Lesbian Parents and their Children

All parents face life stressors and relational struggles which pose challenges to parenting their children. As members of an underrepresented and stigmatized community that exists within a society steeped in heterosexist bias and homophobic prejudices, gay and lesbian persons face additional challenges when it comes not only to parenting their children, but to the act of becoming parents. The extent to which a gay or lesbian person has internalized dominant heterosexist and homophobic societal discourses can profoundly impact his or her self and/or relational concept, ideas about what he or she believes to be possible as far as becoming a parent, and/or the relational experience of parenthood (McCann & Delamonte, 2005). For example, because of a widespread homophobic notion that homosexuals (generally, but not exclusively meaning gay men) are pedophiles, they can often internalize fears about being seen as perpetrators of sexual crimes against children.

McCann and Delamonte (2005) also propose that as an effect of the differing constellations of how same-sex couples become families with children, additional challenges may be presented between the parents as well as with biological and non-biological parents and family members outside of the partner relationship. These challenges may include: negotiating transitions between multiple households; religious and cultural considerations (particularly when multiple beliefs or practices exist within the parenting or extended family system); the historical, familial, and narrative significance of naming the child (particularly the decision of the child’s surname); and how parents will be addressed by the child and by members of their family and community. Further, same-sex parents will likely need to evaluate and consider the amount of contact and degree of involvement of co-parents and other family members. Additional challenges may include: managing attempts to prove that they are good enough parents (particularly in the absence of legal sanctions recognizing and protecting a parent’s connection to the child); encountering prejudice as a family; managing disclosure as the family interfaces with the larger community; and stressors related to the health of the child or parents within the family constellation.

Intentionally constructing a family through circumstances such as adoption and foster care can carry stressors for any couple. Gay and lesbian couples experience these stressors which are often compounded by societal and political trends which make bringing a child into their home through adoption or fostering difficult. Such trends include differing adoption regulations among the states, adoption and foster agency practices which may differ from stated institutional policy, and the attitudes and beliefs of social service personnel (Lobaugh, Clements, Averill, & Olguin, 2006).