Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
Dating After 40
“I’m single again and I don’t remember how to go on a date!”
“We spent the whole dinner talking about my ex-husband and his late wife. Needless to say, we didn’t exactly spark.”
“What do women want these days? I haven’t dated since 1985!”
Sound familiar? If you are over 40 and find yourself in the dating pool again, it might feel like you can’t remember even how to dog paddle in the shallow end. Baggage, history, exes, kids….how can you wade through all this to find a connection with a new love interest? Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate unfamiliar waters:
DO:
* Show an interest in your date. Ask about her work, or about his hobbies. Movies, books, music, travel, food – all are great icebreaker topics and a way to get to know the person you are spending time with.
* Give your undivided attention. Put the iPhone on vibrate, resist the temptation to update your Facebook status while waiting for the appetizer to arrive (“Having a great first date!”), make eye contact, and listen.
* Put your expectations aside and enjoy yourself. Even if there is no love connection right away, look at the date as a chance to get to know someone new and have fun.
* Leave your baggage at the door. A date is a fresh chance to meet someone, get to know them, and spend a pleasant time together. We all have baggage, but there is no need to bring it along to weigh down your time together.
DON’T:
* Spend the date talking about your ex. Whether you are sharing the scoop on why the relationship fell apart and all the ways you were done wrong, or describing your ex in glowing terms, this time is about you and your date.
* Expect a love connection on the first date. Expectations create static in your thoughts that can distract you from having a good time. Be in the moment and see how things unfold.
* Feel pressured to move any faster than you feel comfortable with. Even a first kiss may feel like you are rushing things. When the moment is right to move things along, you’ll know. Remember when you were young and holding hands for the first time made you feel giddy with excitement? There is something to be said for taking it slow.
* Feel like damaged goods because you are divorced, older, or have experienced pain or sadness. Your life experiences have made you who you are today.
The most important thing to remember is – if you feel good about yourself, it will come across to everyone you meet. Dating is a fun way to explore new relationships, but it is not the ultimate goal in your newly single life.
Thriving in Your Fifties
“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me
The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.
What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.
Physical Changes
I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.
The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.
Emotional Changes
The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.
Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.
Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.
These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.
Are We Having Fun Yet?
“I’m in therapy…I should be feeling better, right? Why do I feel more challenged than before I began?”
Many people think of therapy as an emotional tune-up, much like bringing the car in when it begins to sputter and spark. Find a good therapist, make an appointment, talk it out, pay the bill, and leave the session with a shiny new outlook. It can be disconcerting to realize that after a session or two, the real work of reaching your goals has just begun. Not only that, you may have homework, challenges to old ways of thinking, and new habits to practice. You may feel a temporary unbalancing of your emotional equilibrium as you work with your therapist through past issues and identify new, effective ways to live your life.
When heartache, dissatisfaction, and unease have existed for months or years, it can take a bit of time to uncover thoughts and feelings to get to where you want to be. Old feelings and memories can pop up to the surface, leading you to wonder when the peace and serenity you seek is going to become a reality.
Hang in there! Your therapist is a partner in this journey with you, and is there to provide a safe space to explore past and current issues. It is common to feel a mixture of relief and vulnerability when you begin therapy. You may be exploring feelings which have been dormant for years. Uncovering one layer may remind you of others you would like to address. It takes some time to see all the issues more clearly. If anything, that bit of discomfort can be a sign that old issues are being deconstructed so that you can move forward toward your goals.
Most therapists don’t believe in prolonging therapy just for the sake of keeping you in treatment. Your goals and challenges make up the path we walk with you, keeping the sessions focused and on track. Each person is different, and your therapist will work with you to understand your needs. So if you feel a little off balance, vulnerable, and even raw at times when you start therapy, don’t despair. That’s the time to dig in and push forward, using the tools you gain in your sessions. Be sure to bring up any of these feelings with your therapist, as well. She needs to know how the process is working for you, and by sharing how you are experiencing therapy, the two of you can work together to make the journey more effective.
Feathering the Empty Nest
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
“Where did the time go? It’s the strangest feeling. With one hand I’m pushing them out the door and telling them to take the world by storm, and with the other hand I’m saying please don’t go. I’m sure I’m not the first mother who’s felt this way, and I certainly won’t be the last.“
Caroline Manzo, BravoTV Blog
I may be a therapist, but I am also a mom. When I read these words from strong, spirited, level-headed Caroline Manzo, I recognized a sister in Empty Nest Syndrome. We spend 18+ years preparing our kids for just this – leaving the nest, embarking on their own lives, growing up. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a career woman, you put great chunks of your life on hold to raise your children well and someday cheer them on as they move on. In theory, anyway. Nothing can prepare us for the sight of our offspring loading the car full of boxes packed of memories and heading off to college, a new apartment, or another city.
When my daughter first left home, our roles were momentarily reversed as she calmly and rationally explained her need to spread her wings, explore her independence, and build her own life as an adult. I remember sitting and listening, eyes wide, nodding in what I hoped was a supportive way while inside a panicked voice clamored “But you just learned to walk!” Mothers (and fathers too) have this weird ability to travel instantaneously back in time and experience their kids as if they were still kindergartners – even when those days are 18 years ago. We got through it. She drove off to a little apartment full of young college girls her age, and nothing catastrophic happened. Except maybe feeling like my heart was tied to her bumper like a banged up can after a shotgun wedding.
I took a little time and let myself think it through, and grieve. Yes…grieve. My little girl was a memory, and my time with a child sharing our home was at an end. Very quickly I realized that in that little girl’s place was a pretty fantastic young woman, who still needed her mom in a different way. We made time each week to hang out together. We texted every day, even just to say hello. She was fine.
I also spent time soul-searching, looking for the reason so many parents find themselves up against this so-called Empty Nest Syndrome. If the kids are fine and happy, what is the nature of this speed bump we go through when our children grow up and leave home? My conclusion was this – I needed to redefine who I was now. I had been a successful career woman for years, but this event brought home for me just how profoundly I identified myself as “E’s mom.” In addition to learning again who I was without my daughter in the home, the plain and simple fact was I missed her company, her music, her laughter, her stressing out before midterms. I missed knowing for sure she was sleeping in the next room, or that she had had a good dinner. My husband experienced the same issues, so Empty Nest Syndrome is certainly not limited to women only.
Those two factors –identity and coming to a place of peace with my daughter’s wellbeing in her new home, became my homework in this new journey. I rearranged furniture. I spent more time with friends. We did away with formal mealtimes and ate when we felt like it :-) We went away for a weekend and reconnected as a couple. Little things added up and our ability to roll with this life change was good for our daughter as well. Little known secret – they worry about us, too. Maybe even miss us a little.
If you are dreading the Empty Nest days sure to come, or in the middle of this journey, take some time to care for yourself, grieve if you need to, and find someone to talk to about your feelings. Continue family traditions and enjoy the times your adult child comes home to visit. Reconnect with your friends, family, spouse, and most of all – reconnect with yourself.
