All parents face life stressors and relational struggles which pose challenges to parenting their children. As members of an underrepresented and stigmatized community that exists within a society steeped in heterosexist bias and homophobic prejudices, gay and lesbian persons face additional challenges when it comes not only to parenting their children, but to the act of becoming parents. The extent to which a gay or lesbian person has internalized dominant heterosexist and homophobic societal discourses can profoundly impact his or her self and/or relational concept, ideas about what he or she believes to be possible as far as becoming a parent, and/or the relational experience of parenthood (McCann & Delamonte, 2005). For example, because of a widespread homophobic notion that homosexuals (generally, but not exclusively meaning gay men) are pedophiles, they can often internalize fears about being seen as perpetrators of sexual crimes against children.
McCann and Delamonte (2005) also propose that as an effect of the differing constellations of how same-sex couples become families with children, additional challenges may be presented between the parents as well as with biological and non-biological parents and family members outside of the partner relationship. These challenges may include: negotiating transitions between multiple households; religious and cultural considerations (particularly when multiple beliefs or practices exist within the parenting or extended family system); the historical, familial, and narrative significance of naming the child (particularly the decision of the child’s surname); and how parents will be addressed by the child and by members of their family and community. Further, same-sex parents will likely need to evaluate and consider the amount of contact and degree of involvement of co-parents and other family members. Additional challenges may include: managing attempts to prove that they are good enough parents (particularly in the absence of legal sanctions recognizing and protecting a parent’s connection to the child); encountering prejudice as a family; managing disclosure as the family interfaces with the larger community; and stressors related to the health of the child or parents within the family constellation.
Intentionally constructing a family through circumstances such as adoption and foster care can carry stressors for any couple. Gay and lesbian couples experience these stressors which are often compounded by societal and political trends which make bringing a child into their home through adoption or fostering difficult. Such trends include differing adoption regulations among the states, adoption and foster agency practices which may differ from stated institutional policy, and the attitudes and beliefs of social service personnel (Lobaugh, Clements, Averill, & Olguin, 2006).
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
How Do We stay Together When Our World is Falling Apart? Tips on support and togetherness through times of emotional turmoil.
Guest Blogger: Jessica Thomas MA, MFT
It seems like life has a funny way of testing our emotional strength time and time again. There are times when we can walk upright and times where we seem to crumble. I have learned to appreciate these challenges understanding that without them, we simply would not be able to grow.
Over the past few months I have had clients come to me frustrated with the stress in their lives, and questioning their relationships. It appears that even the most functional of pairs begin to waver as life's circumstances become "too much." I have determined that stress has a funny way of contradicting love, and overwhelming feelings seem to diminish both willingness and desire.
I have heard couples discuss the strain of finances, the tension found in child rearing, and the sadness found in loss. They have discussed the disappointment with their partner's reactions. Although these grievances vary, the one that echoes most clear is the complaint of non-support. Because of this the following tips may provide with you with ideas of how to stay connected during times of trial, and also notions of how to ask and receive support during these times. The following thoughts may serve as a reminder to some and a few suggestions to others. As always I would enjoy your feed-back, and look forward to your correspondence.
Tips for managing situational stress in relationships:
1.Self Care.
For those that have worked alongside of me, you know or have heard my first question after a complaint of stress: what are you doing to take care of yourself through this time? I find it amazing that self care is the first thing we throw out in times of stress. So first, let's figure out what I mean by self care. I am talking about emotional care, stress management, a good nutritional diet, balance between alone time and social time, recreational time, and enough rest. We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but also to our partners to maintain this part of our lives, especially in times of stress.
2. COMMUNICATE!!!!!
I know this is the big one, and for some the most difficult to do. I see even the strongest communicators flounder around when the stress of life hits, so please consider the following mistakes.
*Don't expect your mate to mind read.
I hear couples state "well he/she should just know what I need". Although our partners may know our shoe size, our birthdays, and our favorite Ben and Jerry's, what you need right now, today is a little more difficult to figure out, especially if this is a stressor that you have never mastered before. Which brings us to the next tip...
*Let your partner know what you need from them.
It is very difficult to watch one another go through difficult times, letting your partner know exactly what you need will stop not only the guessing game but the chance of disappointment and conflict.
3. Separate the issues from the idea of marriage.
Don't let the stress of the issue taint your view on the marriage as a whole. Take time to problem solve, but also take time to step away from the difficulty and enjoy one another as well. Set time limits on problem-solving discussions, and allow for the issues to be contained to these times.
4. Avoid the "blame game."
Although rather self explanatory, perhaps a few words to remind of its importance. When our issue was a mistake made by one, reminding of this fault by the other appears to be the action of most. However, I would warn about the consequences of this choice as it moves us farther away from the solution, and the effects on the relationship are far from friendly. Allow for the other person to accept responsibility over their misjudgments, allow for human error, remember forgiveness, and be willing to find a solution together.
5. Take an active role in finding solutions.
Finding solutions together not only brings you closer, it also allows the responsibility of the marriage to fall on you both. When couples agree on solutions they are more willing to implement and show support and investment in their "plan."
Jessica Thomas MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA. To learn more about Jessica and the counseling services she provides visit her website at www.narrativetherapysd.com.
It seems like life has a funny way of testing our emotional strength time and time again. There are times when we can walk upright and times where we seem to crumble. I have learned to appreciate these challenges understanding that without them, we simply would not be able to grow.
Over the past few months I have had clients come to me frustrated with the stress in their lives, and questioning their relationships. It appears that even the most functional of pairs begin to waver as life's circumstances become "too much." I have determined that stress has a funny way of contradicting love, and overwhelming feelings seem to diminish both willingness and desire.
I have heard couples discuss the strain of finances, the tension found in child rearing, and the sadness found in loss. They have discussed the disappointment with their partner's reactions. Although these grievances vary, the one that echoes most clear is the complaint of non-support. Because of this the following tips may provide with you with ideas of how to stay connected during times of trial, and also notions of how to ask and receive support during these times. The following thoughts may serve as a reminder to some and a few suggestions to others. As always I would enjoy your feed-back, and look forward to your correspondence.
Tips for managing situational stress in relationships:
1.Self Care.
For those that have worked alongside of me, you know or have heard my first question after a complaint of stress: what are you doing to take care of yourself through this time? I find it amazing that self care is the first thing we throw out in times of stress. So first, let's figure out what I mean by self care. I am talking about emotional care, stress management, a good nutritional diet, balance between alone time and social time, recreational time, and enough rest. We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but also to our partners to maintain this part of our lives, especially in times of stress.
2. COMMUNICATE!!!!!
I know this is the big one, and for some the most difficult to do. I see even the strongest communicators flounder around when the stress of life hits, so please consider the following mistakes.
*Don't expect your mate to mind read.
I hear couples state "well he/she should just know what I need". Although our partners may know our shoe size, our birthdays, and our favorite Ben and Jerry's, what you need right now, today is a little more difficult to figure out, especially if this is a stressor that you have never mastered before. Which brings us to the next tip...
*Let your partner know what you need from them.
It is very difficult to watch one another go through difficult times, letting your partner know exactly what you need will stop not only the guessing game but the chance of disappointment and conflict.
3. Separate the issues from the idea of marriage.
Don't let the stress of the issue taint your view on the marriage as a whole. Take time to problem solve, but also take time to step away from the difficulty and enjoy one another as well. Set time limits on problem-solving discussions, and allow for the issues to be contained to these times.
4. Avoid the "blame game."
Although rather self explanatory, perhaps a few words to remind of its importance. When our issue was a mistake made by one, reminding of this fault by the other appears to be the action of most. However, I would warn about the consequences of this choice as it moves us farther away from the solution, and the effects on the relationship are far from friendly. Allow for the other person to accept responsibility over their misjudgments, allow for human error, remember forgiveness, and be willing to find a solution together.
5. Take an active role in finding solutions.
Finding solutions together not only brings you closer, it also allows the responsibility of the marriage to fall on you both. When couples agree on solutions they are more willing to implement and show support and investment in their "plan."
Jessica Thomas MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA. To learn more about Jessica and the counseling services she provides visit her website at www.narrativetherapysd.com.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
10 Fingers and 10 Toes
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t care, as long as the baby’s healthy. I will love him or her no matter what.”
Most parents-to-be experience the above dialogue during pregnancy. It is an exciting time and everyone wants to talk about your little one, soon to be born. You may have a secret preference for a little boy or girl, but chances are you know that you’ll be happy counting fingers and toes in the hospital room and loving your newborn unconditionally.
One of the wonders of children is how early they begin to demonstrate their individuality, with personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes. It starts as young as noticing that one particular toy holds your infant daughter’s gaze longer than any other, or that your little boy will happily eat strained carrots every day, but spinach? Forget it. With each passing year your child develops more into a person of his/her own. They have a favorite color, movie, best friend. No longer infants, they grow, explore, and hone their identities through the years.
It is virtually guaranteed that your growing child will begin to show traits that may be very different from your own. Maybe even develop in ways that go against your beliefs, your traditions, and your culture. I was standing in the grocery store last weekend and a mother and daughter were behind me in line, perusing the array of items set out on the way to the cash register. Next to the People magazines and breath mints was a small assortment of incense. The daughter, probably around the age of 16, took a stick of incense, glanced at her mother, and said “I need this. For my Wiccan practices.” Her mom snatched the incense out of her hand and slammed it back into the display. “Wiccan practices!? You are not Wiccan!! And if you think you are, I will smack you into next week!” Noticing the attention of others in line, the girl’s mother fell silent, pressing her lips together in fury and glaring at her child.
When does our approach to our children change? When are ten fingers, ten toes and a bill of health no longer enough to allow us to love unconditionally? (For the sake of discussion, let’s assume that the kids we are talking about are not criminals or abusing drugs or alcohol, are reasonably respectful, attend school, etc. That is the subject of an upcoming blog post and a much different situation – when a child is genuinely in danger, red flags are a good thing. ) In this case, however, teen or adult children may be expressing themselves in ways which make their parents uncomfortable. They could be exploring lifestyles that don’t fit with the vision the family has held and nurtured all through their childhood years. Your child may have decided that Judaism is worth learning about, and your family is Lutheran. Your child may be drawn to a career which you don’t feel holds much promise. Your child may be gay or lesbian.
What impacts you is the difference from you, your family, your ideals. “How do I know my child will be happy with this life? Is this my fault? I don’t understand.” All of these are thoughts some parents experience when a child grows up to a life which includes beliefs, people, activities, and commitments which are not your own. It is a fearful, uncomfortable feeling.
The good news is not only is your grown child probably okay, but you are as well. Fear often comes from lack of understanding and knowledge. When you feel fearful about your offspring and their wellbeing, primal instincts of protection, anger, and even running from the perceived “danger” are not unusual. Most parents will agree that there is not much more horrible than your child suffering.
But what if they are not suffering? What if they are just not like us in some significant ways?
Differences are not inherently bad. Lack of knowledge can make them seem so. Take a moment to open your heart to your son or daughter. “I want to know what your life is like, who you are. Can you help me understand you better?” Put fear aside and listen. You don’t have to embrace or even accept just yet…just listen calmly and appreciate the moment if your child is willing to be open with you. Openness breeds openness. Keep trying. Be there. Focus on what you have in common. Connect.
If your child has grown in ways that you feel you can’t understand or accept, please take the leap of openness and allow them to tell you about themselves – what they love, what they believe, how they live. Listen with an open heart. Give them the same respect you would give any other adult (or almost-adult, in the case of teens). By being there for them, you allow both of you to grow closer and to learn about the other. You can share your feelings of discomfort and still remain in a positive, supportive place together.
Hopes and dreams and visions of your child’s future filled your heart when you became a parent. 10 fingers and 10 toes – whether they are tiny and new or painted Goth black. Getting to know and accept your child as s/he grows into an independent person can enrich your life beyond measure. A 20-year-old is just as worthy of celebration as a newborn – rejoin the party of your child’s life!
Posted on July 17, 2010 in celebration of Pride, love, and equality.
“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t care, as long as the baby’s healthy. I will love him or her no matter what.”
Most parents-to-be experience the above dialogue during pregnancy. It is an exciting time and everyone wants to talk about your little one, soon to be born. You may have a secret preference for a little boy or girl, but chances are you know that you’ll be happy counting fingers and toes in the hospital room and loving your newborn unconditionally.
One of the wonders of children is how early they begin to demonstrate their individuality, with personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes. It starts as young as noticing that one particular toy holds your infant daughter’s gaze longer than any other, or that your little boy will happily eat strained carrots every day, but spinach? Forget it. With each passing year your child develops more into a person of his/her own. They have a favorite color, movie, best friend. No longer infants, they grow, explore, and hone their identities through the years.
It is virtually guaranteed that your growing child will begin to show traits that may be very different from your own. Maybe even develop in ways that go against your beliefs, your traditions, and your culture. I was standing in the grocery store last weekend and a mother and daughter were behind me in line, perusing the array of items set out on the way to the cash register. Next to the People magazines and breath mints was a small assortment of incense. The daughter, probably around the age of 16, took a stick of incense, glanced at her mother, and said “I need this. For my Wiccan practices.” Her mom snatched the incense out of her hand and slammed it back into the display. “Wiccan practices!? You are not Wiccan!! And if you think you are, I will smack you into next week!” Noticing the attention of others in line, the girl’s mother fell silent, pressing her lips together in fury and glaring at her child.
When does our approach to our children change? When are ten fingers, ten toes and a bill of health no longer enough to allow us to love unconditionally? (For the sake of discussion, let’s assume that the kids we are talking about are not criminals or abusing drugs or alcohol, are reasonably respectful, attend school, etc. That is the subject of an upcoming blog post and a much different situation – when a child is genuinely in danger, red flags are a good thing. ) In this case, however, teen or adult children may be expressing themselves in ways which make their parents uncomfortable. They could be exploring lifestyles that don’t fit with the vision the family has held and nurtured all through their childhood years. Your child may have decided that Judaism is worth learning about, and your family is Lutheran. Your child may be drawn to a career which you don’t feel holds much promise. Your child may be gay or lesbian.
What impacts you is the difference from you, your family, your ideals. “How do I know my child will be happy with this life? Is this my fault? I don’t understand.” All of these are thoughts some parents experience when a child grows up to a life which includes beliefs, people, activities, and commitments which are not your own. It is a fearful, uncomfortable feeling.
The good news is not only is your grown child probably okay, but you are as well. Fear often comes from lack of understanding and knowledge. When you feel fearful about your offspring and their wellbeing, primal instincts of protection, anger, and even running from the perceived “danger” are not unusual. Most parents will agree that there is not much more horrible than your child suffering.
But what if they are not suffering? What if they are just not like us in some significant ways?
Differences are not inherently bad. Lack of knowledge can make them seem so. Take a moment to open your heart to your son or daughter. “I want to know what your life is like, who you are. Can you help me understand you better?” Put fear aside and listen. You don’t have to embrace or even accept just yet…just listen calmly and appreciate the moment if your child is willing to be open with you. Openness breeds openness. Keep trying. Be there. Focus on what you have in common. Connect.
If your child has grown in ways that you feel you can’t understand or accept, please take the leap of openness and allow them to tell you about themselves – what they love, what they believe, how they live. Listen with an open heart. Give them the same respect you would give any other adult (or almost-adult, in the case of teens). By being there for them, you allow both of you to grow closer and to learn about the other. You can share your feelings of discomfort and still remain in a positive, supportive place together.
Hopes and dreams and visions of your child’s future filled your heart when you became a parent. 10 fingers and 10 toes – whether they are tiny and new or painted Goth black. Getting to know and accept your child as s/he grows into an independent person can enrich your life beyond measure. A 20-year-old is just as worthy of celebration as a newborn – rejoin the party of your child’s life!
Posted on July 17, 2010 in celebration of Pride, love, and equality.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Are We Having Fun Yet?
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
“I’m in therapy…I should be feeling better, right? Why do I feel more challenged than before I began?”
Many people think of therapy as an emotional tune-up, much like bringing the car in when it begins to sputter and spark. Find a good therapist, make an appointment, talk it out, pay the bill, and leave the session with a shiny new outlook. It can be disconcerting to realize that after a session or two, the real work of reaching your goals has just begun. Not only that, you may have homework, challenges to old ways of thinking, and new habits to practice. You may feel a temporary unbalancing of your emotional equilibrium as you work with your therapist through past issues and identify new, effective ways to live your life.
When heartache, dissatisfaction, and unease have existed for months or years, it can take a bit of time to uncover thoughts and feelings to get to where you want to be. Old feelings and memories can pop up to the surface, leading you to wonder when the peace and serenity you seek is going to become a reality.
Hang in there! Your therapist is a partner in this journey with you, and is there to provide a safe space to explore past and current issues. It is common to feel a mixture of relief and vulnerability when you begin therapy. You may be exploring feelings which have been dormant for years. Uncovering one layer may remind you of others you would like to address. It takes some time to see all the issues more clearly. If anything, that bit of discomfort can be a sign that old issues are being deconstructed so that you can move forward toward your goals.
Most therapists don’t believe in prolonging therapy just for the sake of keeping you in treatment. Your goals and challenges make up the path we walk with you, keeping the sessions focused and on track. Each person is different, and your therapist will work with you to understand your needs. So if you feel a little off balance, vulnerable, and even raw at times when you start therapy, don’t despair. That’s the time to dig in and push forward, using the tools you gain in your sessions. Be sure to bring up any of these feelings with your therapist, as well. She needs to know how the process is working for you, and by sharing how you are experiencing therapy, the two of you can work together to make the journey more effective.
“I’m in therapy…I should be feeling better, right? Why do I feel more challenged than before I began?”
Many people think of therapy as an emotional tune-up, much like bringing the car in when it begins to sputter and spark. Find a good therapist, make an appointment, talk it out, pay the bill, and leave the session with a shiny new outlook. It can be disconcerting to realize that after a session or two, the real work of reaching your goals has just begun. Not only that, you may have homework, challenges to old ways of thinking, and new habits to practice. You may feel a temporary unbalancing of your emotional equilibrium as you work with your therapist through past issues and identify new, effective ways to live your life.
When heartache, dissatisfaction, and unease have existed for months or years, it can take a bit of time to uncover thoughts and feelings to get to where you want to be. Old feelings and memories can pop up to the surface, leading you to wonder when the peace and serenity you seek is going to become a reality.
Hang in there! Your therapist is a partner in this journey with you, and is there to provide a safe space to explore past and current issues. It is common to feel a mixture of relief and vulnerability when you begin therapy. You may be exploring feelings which have been dormant for years. Uncovering one layer may remind you of others you would like to address. It takes some time to see all the issues more clearly. If anything, that bit of discomfort can be a sign that old issues are being deconstructed so that you can move forward toward your goals.
Most therapists don’t believe in prolonging therapy just for the sake of keeping you in treatment. Your goals and challenges make up the path we walk with you, keeping the sessions focused and on track. Each person is different, and your therapist will work with you to understand your needs. So if you feel a little off balance, vulnerable, and even raw at times when you start therapy, don’t despair. That’s the time to dig in and push forward, using the tools you gain in your sessions. Be sure to bring up any of these feelings with your therapist, as well. She needs to know how the process is working for you, and by sharing how you are experiencing therapy, the two of you can work together to make the journey more effective.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Feathering the Empty Nest
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
“Where did the time go? It’s the strangest feeling. With one hand I’m pushing them out the door and telling them to take the world by storm, and with the other hand I’m saying please don’t go. I’m sure I’m not the first mother who’s felt this way, and I certainly won’t be the last.“
Caroline Manzo, BravoTV Blog
I may be a therapist, but I am also a mom. When I read these words from strong, spirited, level-headed Caroline Manzo, I recognized a sister in Empty Nest Syndrome. We spend 18+ years preparing our kids for just this – leaving the nest, embarking on their own lives, growing up. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a career woman, you put great chunks of your life on hold to raise your children well and someday cheer them on as they move on. In theory, anyway. Nothing can prepare us for the sight of our offspring loading the car full of boxes packed of memories and heading off to college, a new apartment, or another city.
When my daughter first left home, our roles were momentarily reversed as she calmly and rationally explained her need to spread her wings, explore her independence, and build her own life as an adult. I remember sitting and listening, eyes wide, nodding in what I hoped was a supportive way while inside a panicked voice clamored “But you just learned to walk!” Mothers (and fathers too) have this weird ability to travel instantaneously back in time and experience their kids as if they were still kindergartners – even when those days are 18 years ago. We got through it. She drove off to a little apartment full of young college girls her age, and nothing catastrophic happened. Except maybe feeling like my heart was tied to her bumper like a banged up can after a shotgun wedding.
I took a little time and let myself think it through, and grieve. Yes…grieve. My little girl was a memory, and my time with a child sharing our home was at an end. Very quickly I realized that in that little girl’s place was a pretty fantastic young woman, who still needed her mom in a different way. We made time each week to hang out together. We texted every day, even just to say hello. She was fine.
I also spent time soul-searching, looking for the reason so many parents find themselves up against this so-called Empty Nest Syndrome. If the kids are fine and happy, what is the nature of this speed bump we go through when our children grow up and leave home? My conclusion was this – I needed to redefine who I was now. I had been a successful career woman for years, but this event brought home for me just how profoundly I identified myself as “E’s mom.” In addition to learning again who I was without my daughter in the home, the plain and simple fact was I missed her company, her music, her laughter, her stressing out before midterms. I missed knowing for sure she was sleeping in the next room, or that she had had a good dinner. My husband experienced the same issues, so Empty Nest Syndrome is certainly not limited to women only.
Those two factors –identity and coming to a place of peace with my daughter’s wellbeing in her new home, became my homework in this new journey. I rearranged furniture. I spent more time with friends. We did away with formal mealtimes and ate when we felt like it :-) We went away for a weekend and reconnected as a couple. Little things added up and our ability to roll with this life change was good for our daughter as well. Little known secret – they worry about us, too. Maybe even miss us a little.
If you are dreading the Empty Nest days sure to come, or in the middle of this journey, take some time to care for yourself, grieve if you need to, and find someone to talk to about your feelings. Continue family traditions and enjoy the times your adult child comes home to visit. Reconnect with your friends, family, spouse, and most of all – reconnect with yourself.
“Where did the time go? It’s the strangest feeling. With one hand I’m pushing them out the door and telling them to take the world by storm, and with the other hand I’m saying please don’t go. I’m sure I’m not the first mother who’s felt this way, and I certainly won’t be the last.“
Caroline Manzo, BravoTV Blog
I may be a therapist, but I am also a mom. When I read these words from strong, spirited, level-headed Caroline Manzo, I recognized a sister in Empty Nest Syndrome. We spend 18+ years preparing our kids for just this – leaving the nest, embarking on their own lives, growing up. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a career woman, you put great chunks of your life on hold to raise your children well and someday cheer them on as they move on. In theory, anyway. Nothing can prepare us for the sight of our offspring loading the car full of boxes packed of memories and heading off to college, a new apartment, or another city.
When my daughter first left home, our roles were momentarily reversed as she calmly and rationally explained her need to spread her wings, explore her independence, and build her own life as an adult. I remember sitting and listening, eyes wide, nodding in what I hoped was a supportive way while inside a panicked voice clamored “But you just learned to walk!” Mothers (and fathers too) have this weird ability to travel instantaneously back in time and experience their kids as if they were still kindergartners – even when those days are 18 years ago. We got through it. She drove off to a little apartment full of young college girls her age, and nothing catastrophic happened. Except maybe feeling like my heart was tied to her bumper like a banged up can after a shotgun wedding.
I took a little time and let myself think it through, and grieve. Yes…grieve. My little girl was a memory, and my time with a child sharing our home was at an end. Very quickly I realized that in that little girl’s place was a pretty fantastic young woman, who still needed her mom in a different way. We made time each week to hang out together. We texted every day, even just to say hello. She was fine.
I also spent time soul-searching, looking for the reason so many parents find themselves up against this so-called Empty Nest Syndrome. If the kids are fine and happy, what is the nature of this speed bump we go through when our children grow up and leave home? My conclusion was this – I needed to redefine who I was now. I had been a successful career woman for years, but this event brought home for me just how profoundly I identified myself as “E’s mom.” In addition to learning again who I was without my daughter in the home, the plain and simple fact was I missed her company, her music, her laughter, her stressing out before midterms. I missed knowing for sure she was sleeping in the next room, or that she had had a good dinner. My husband experienced the same issues, so Empty Nest Syndrome is certainly not limited to women only.
Those two factors –identity and coming to a place of peace with my daughter’s wellbeing in her new home, became my homework in this new journey. I rearranged furniture. I spent more time with friends. We did away with formal mealtimes and ate when we felt like it :-) We went away for a weekend and reconnected as a couple. Little things added up and our ability to roll with this life change was good for our daughter as well. Little known secret – they worry about us, too. Maybe even miss us a little.
If you are dreading the Empty Nest days sure to come, or in the middle of this journey, take some time to care for yourself, grieve if you need to, and find someone to talk to about your feelings. Continue family traditions and enjoy the times your adult child comes home to visit. Reconnect with your friends, family, spouse, and most of all – reconnect with yourself.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: The Study of Same Sex Parenting
The study of same sex parenting grew largely out of moral and legal concerns about the potential for negative effects that growing up in a gay or lesbian headed family would have on the development of children. On the whole, the existing body of empirical evidence supports the notion that children of gay and lesbian parents are just as well adjusted as children of heterosexual parents (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 1999; Anderssen, Amlie, & Ytterøy, 2002; McCann & Delamonte, 2005; Meezan & Rauch, 2005; Patterson, 2006). The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s (1999) Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Parents Policy Statement states:
There is no evidence to suggest or support that parents with a gay, lesbian, or bisexual orientation are per se different from or deficient in parenting skills, child-centered concerns, and parent-child attachments, when compared to parents with a heterosexual orientation.
In their analysis of the question, “How might same-sex marriage affect the wellbeing of America’s children?” (p. 98), Meezan and Rauch (2005) point out that research on same-sex parenting is a relatively new, rapidly expanding, and methodologically challenging area of study. When evaluating the body of research on same-sex parenting, Meezan and Rauch (2005) noted several challenges to the research process and noted that these challenges can be fairly common in psychological research, particularly in research with underrepresented and/ or stigmatized populations. Points of consideration for consumers of this research include: motivation and/or bias of the researcher(s); difficulty finding representative samples; relatively small sample sizes; existence and/ or legitimacy of comparison groups in the study (i.e., is it appropriate to utilize a heteronormative sample as a comparison group?); subject group heterogeneity; and measurement and statistical issues.
An important, and potentially confounding variable in the study of same-sex parenting, is that gay and lesbian parents and their children come together as family in a variety of different constellations. These children may be the biological offspring of one of the parents, conceived via insemination with an anonymous or known sperm donor or surrogate birth mother. They may also be biologically related to one parent, the product of a previous heterosexual marital or sexual relationship. The child may be biologically unrelated to both parents, joining the family through formal adoption or the foster care system. Additional variables such as a parent’s previous separation or divorce from the child’s biological parent and legal statutes around second parent adoption which vary from state to state makes the study of same-sex parenting a challenge for researchers (Meezan and Rauch, 2005).
Despite the methodological shortcomings found in many of the studies they reviewed dating back to the 1970’s, Meezan and Rauch (2005) found that data produced with these studies was consistent with the studies which they considered to be strong methodologically. In summarizing these findings, they quote the American Psychological Association’s 2004 “Resolution on Sexual Orientation, Parents, and Children,” which states:
There is no scientific basis for concluding that lesbian mothers or gay fathers are unfit parents on the basis of their sexual orientation…. .On the contrary, results of research suggest that lesbian and gay parents are as likely as heterosexual parents to provide supportive and healthy environments for their children…. Overall, results of research suggest that the development, adjustment and wellbeing of children with lesbian and gay parents do not differ markedly from that of children with heterosexual parents.
Further, Anderssen, Amlie, and Ytterøy (2002) reviewed 23 outcome studies published in the peer reviewed literature between 1978 and 2000 on children with gay and lesbian parents. They found that in the 12 studies specifically evaluating the emotional functioning of children raised by lesbian mothers, there were no significant differences in emotional functioning between these children and children raised within heterosexual family constellations. The six remaining outcomes that were evaluated within the 23 studies indicated that there were no systematic differences between children raised with gay or lesbian parents and other children. The six areas of exploration included: sexual preference, stigmatization, gender role behavior, behavioral adjustment, gender identity, and cognitive functioning. Upon review of several studies conducted by herself and other researchers which found no significant differences in the development of children and adolescents raised by heterosexual parents and homosexual parents, Patterson (2006) proposes that the quality and strength of the relationship between the parent and the child is more significant to the child’s development than the sexual orientation of the parent.
McCann and Delamonte (2005) explicitly take the stance that beyond the idea of being competent parents, gay and lesbian parents have much to offer children. As mentioned frequently in this review, gay and lesbian individuals and couples embark upon many routes to parenthood. Their motivations for becoming parents, in many respects, are no different than those of heterosexual parents such as the desire to raise and nurture them. A common notion utilized in undermining the competency of gay and lesbian parents is the belief that same-sex partners will not provide their children with adequate opposite gender role models. McCann and Delamonte (2005) propose that this is yet another manifestation of prevalent hetero-normative discourse and that this critique seems less common among single heterosexual parents.
There is no evidence to suggest or support that parents with a gay, lesbian, or bisexual orientation are per se different from or deficient in parenting skills, child-centered concerns, and parent-child attachments, when compared to parents with a heterosexual orientation.
In their analysis of the question, “How might same-sex marriage affect the wellbeing of America’s children?” (p. 98), Meezan and Rauch (2005) point out that research on same-sex parenting is a relatively new, rapidly expanding, and methodologically challenging area of study. When evaluating the body of research on same-sex parenting, Meezan and Rauch (2005) noted several challenges to the research process and noted that these challenges can be fairly common in psychological research, particularly in research with underrepresented and/ or stigmatized populations. Points of consideration for consumers of this research include: motivation and/or bias of the researcher(s); difficulty finding representative samples; relatively small sample sizes; existence and/ or legitimacy of comparison groups in the study (i.e., is it appropriate to utilize a heteronormative sample as a comparison group?); subject group heterogeneity; and measurement and statistical issues.
An important, and potentially confounding variable in the study of same-sex parenting, is that gay and lesbian parents and their children come together as family in a variety of different constellations. These children may be the biological offspring of one of the parents, conceived via insemination with an anonymous or known sperm donor or surrogate birth mother. They may also be biologically related to one parent, the product of a previous heterosexual marital or sexual relationship. The child may be biologically unrelated to both parents, joining the family through formal adoption or the foster care system. Additional variables such as a parent’s previous separation or divorce from the child’s biological parent and legal statutes around second parent adoption which vary from state to state makes the study of same-sex parenting a challenge for researchers (Meezan and Rauch, 2005).
Despite the methodological shortcomings found in many of the studies they reviewed dating back to the 1970’s, Meezan and Rauch (2005) found that data produced with these studies was consistent with the studies which they considered to be strong methodologically. In summarizing these findings, they quote the American Psychological Association’s 2004 “Resolution on Sexual Orientation, Parents, and Children,” which states:
There is no scientific basis for concluding that lesbian mothers or gay fathers are unfit parents on the basis of their sexual orientation…. .On the contrary, results of research suggest that lesbian and gay parents are as likely as heterosexual parents to provide supportive and healthy environments for their children…. Overall, results of research suggest that the development, adjustment and wellbeing of children with lesbian and gay parents do not differ markedly from that of children with heterosexual parents.
Further, Anderssen, Amlie, and Ytterøy (2002) reviewed 23 outcome studies published in the peer reviewed literature between 1978 and 2000 on children with gay and lesbian parents. They found that in the 12 studies specifically evaluating the emotional functioning of children raised by lesbian mothers, there were no significant differences in emotional functioning between these children and children raised within heterosexual family constellations. The six remaining outcomes that were evaluated within the 23 studies indicated that there were no systematic differences between children raised with gay or lesbian parents and other children. The six areas of exploration included: sexual preference, stigmatization, gender role behavior, behavioral adjustment, gender identity, and cognitive functioning. Upon review of several studies conducted by herself and other researchers which found no significant differences in the development of children and adolescents raised by heterosexual parents and homosexual parents, Patterson (2006) proposes that the quality and strength of the relationship between the parent and the child is more significant to the child’s development than the sexual orientation of the parent.
McCann and Delamonte (2005) explicitly take the stance that beyond the idea of being competent parents, gay and lesbian parents have much to offer children. As mentioned frequently in this review, gay and lesbian individuals and couples embark upon many routes to parenthood. Their motivations for becoming parents, in many respects, are no different than those of heterosexual parents such as the desire to raise and nurture them. A common notion utilized in undermining the competency of gay and lesbian parents is the belief that same-sex partners will not provide their children with adequate opposite gender role models. McCann and Delamonte (2005) propose that this is yet another manifestation of prevalent hetero-normative discourse and that this critique seems less common among single heterosexual parents.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: Demographics of Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents
Gay and lesbian parents construct family in diverse ways. This diversity cannot only be viewed as structural (i.e., a family having two mothers or two fathers). In conceptualizing gay and lesbian families with children, many intersections such as those of culture, religion, age, availability of support networks, and socioeconomic status must be considered as constitutional variables (Tasker & Patterson, 2007). It has been estimated that somewhere between 6 and 14 million children with gay or lesbian parents live in the United States (Litovich & Langhout, 2004; Stacey & Biblarz, 2001). However, it is difficult if not impossible to generate accurate figures on how many gay and lesbian families with children currently reside in the United States (Stacy & Biblarz, 2001; Tasker & Patterson, 2007). This is largely related to stigma associated with gay or lesbian identity. Further, most categories of inquiry collected by the census and other national surveys are based upon heteronormative family constellations and fail to generate reliable demographic data on gay and lesbian individuals, couples, and families.
For a complete list of references see: LGBT Affirmative Therapy Page
For a complete list of references see: LGBT Affirmative Therapy Page
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