Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Infertility

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA

“When my husband and I went through this process, it was like a roller coaster. We had no one to talk to.”

“I had a miscarriage after months of trying to conceive. My family says I am young, I can try again. No one understands how I feel.”

“As a lesbian single woman trying to conceive, I had little support. I longed for a child, always had. I keep trying but it’s not easy.”

“My wife is going through so much right now. Every month she goes into a depression when she gets her period. Is it worth all this?”

When doing a search for “Infertility and Counseling,” most resources offer information on in vitro fertilization, genetic counseling, surrogacy, egg/sperm donors, and even financial planning for the process. All of this information is valuable for anyone trying to conceive (TTC). What is often missing is support for dealing with the emotional side of the TTC process. Infertility can affect your self-esteem and your outlook on life and your relationship.

TTC and infertility are much more than physical processes. Most people experience a variety of emotional issues after a diagnosis of infertility. Medical treatments involving hormones, lab tests, and procedures like semen analysis and egg transfer can add to feelings of stress, confusion, anxiety, and sadness. Each month, you may be holding your breath for a positive outcome, but feel uncertain it will come. It is no wonder individuals and couples trying to conceive express the need for support and understanding.

Some things to remember if you are trying to conceive, or you or your partner have been diagnosed with infertility:

* This can be a trying time; self-care is vital to help you cope with emotional and physical stress.
* Become as educated as you can about options in treatment. Your health care professional should be your partner in the process, able to answer your questions and help you know what to expect.
* Couples: don’t lose touch with each other or your relationship. Communication and mutual support are vital right now – for both of you.
* Don’t forget that sex is about intimacy, too. While this can be challenging when you are monitoring your ovulation cycle, for example, take time to connect with your partner and maintain your bond of intimacy.
* Not everyone will understand what you are going through, and some may even make thoughtless remarks in their efforts to offer comfort. You may find support from others in the same situation, such as support groups or therapy.
* There can be feelings of grief and loss, too, particularly you experience miscarriage. Honor these feelings and be gentle with yourself.
* Make time for other areas in your life that will help you stay balanced: work, friends and family, hobbies, exercise, and relaxation.

Working through this process with a professional therapist can help provide the support and empowerment you need during this time. Do not overlook the importance of your emotional wellbeing while facing fertility issues. Professional therapy can help you feel more positive about the process, as well as strengthening your bond as a couple.

At Narrative Contemporary Therapy, we welcome your call to learn more about how we can help, or to schedule an appointment. We can provide supportive therapy throughout all stages of the experience of TTC and infertility treatment, for individuals, couples, and families. Contact us at (619) 261-4221 for information. My direct line is (619) 252-9811.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Grief and the Holidays

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA

Holidays can be stressful times. Everywhere we look, we see commercials, store displays, and reminders that this is supposed to be a time of joy. Families and friends gather together to celebrate and enjoy each others company, exchange gifts, and share meals. For those who are experiencing illness, loss, or grief, however, the holidays may feel anything but merry. Feelings of sadness, depression, or anger are not unusual when living with the process of grief. How can you cope, then, when it feels like everyone around you is overflowing with happiness while your own heart is breaking? Here are some tips to help you through the holidays and beyond.

* Do away with the “shoulds.” There is no one way to celebrate the holidays, and frankly, most families are not like the ones depicted on greeting cards or television shows. When you are feeling down, it is easy to fall into the “how things should be” trap. Instead, find what things in your life you can embrace, and let go of comparing or feeling you “should” be feeling a certain way.
* Show yourself extra kindness. Many people easily demonstrate loving kindness to others, but when it comes to caring for themselves it can feel difficult. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, nutrition, and self-care. Do something nice for yourself every chance you get.
* Don’t isolate. Isolation is different from alone time, which we all need from time to time. If you find yourself avoiding others completely, not wanting to leave the house, or feeling like no one can relate to you, take some small steps to reach out and connect. Have coffee with a friend, make a phone call to say hello, or attend a workshop on something of interest to you.
* Set boundaries. Don’t take on more than you can handle. It is okay to say no sometimes; there is no need to prove your resilience and strength right now. Pace yourself with activities and tasks if you need to.
* Finally, accept the support of others. If you feel emotional or sad, lean on your loved ones and allow them to be there for you. If signs of depression and grief are troubling you, you can also seek the help of a qualified counselor – preferably one trained in the grief process. There are likely to be support groups in your area as well to support those struggling with loss during the holiday season.

Grief is a process. It ebbs and flows, and it takes time to move through. Be gentle with yourself, and allow others to assist you. Above all, know that you are not alone in your pain. Grief and loss turn our worlds upside down. There is hope and help to get you through to the other side.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Elderly Parents

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA

Most of us in the Baby Boomer generation have witnessed our parents’ aging process. We may notice them tiring more easily, or experiencing chronic aches and pains. More serious concerns include memory loss or confusion, falls, or struggling to get through activities of daily living like cooking and personal hygiene. I recall during the last years of both my parents’ lives how startled I felt each time the phone rang late at night, fearful of bad news. They had moved to a tiny town in the south, idyllic during their active retirement years. As they moved into their 80’s, their distance and isolation from the big city became more and more of a worry.

What are some signs to watch for with your aging parents? What questions should you ask in order to help them stay safe and as healthy as possible?

* Unsteadiness, dizziness, falls: A fall in an elderly person can be troublesome and even dangerous. Might your parents benefit from grab bars, shower chairs, or other devices designed to prevent falls and injuries? Or is the family home with stairs and slippery floors no longer the best option?

* Confusion, loss of memory, wandering: This might be as simple as those “senior moments” we all have after a certain age, or can be early signs of dementia. Keep communication open with your parents, and encourage regular medical care.

* Inconsistent use of medication: Whether due to forgetfulness, depression, or lack of funds to pay for medicine, consistent use of medication can be a major factor in overall physical and mental health. Inexpensive pill dispensers and notes or reminders of medication dosage are a couple of simple ways to help keep organized.

* Depression or other changes in mood: Life transitions are often stressful periods in a person’s life. One elderly client in her mid-80’s told me “All my friends are passing away. It’s lonely. I can’t be as active as I used to.” The loss of a spouse or friends can create deep sadness and even depression. Keep communication open with your elderly parent and help him or her find support if needed.

If you are nearby, staying aware of your parents’ wellbeing is obviously easier. If you live farther away, another family member, neighbor, friend, or professional caregiver can help keep you actively involved. It may be helpful to learn about resources in your parents’ community for the elderly – exercise classes, social groups, church activities, or other ways they can be as active as they would like to be. Additionally, some elderly people may eventually benefit from living in a retirement community, or require the higher level of care available in facilities such as skilled nursing homes. It may be time to discuss what may be some difficult topics, such as healthcare decisions, safe living arrangements, and financial issues. These subjects may

One last thing to be aware of, this time for you. This can be a stressful time for you as well. Take care of yourself to avoid caregiver burnout. Ask for help when needed, talk to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor, and don’t forget your own needs. It may be a time of transition and change for your parents and family, but with open communication and ample support, it can be a time that enriches your lives.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: Resilience

In the evaluation of a child’s development, educators and mental health professionals have traditionally utilized standardized developmental preconceptions which arrive at reductionistic conclusions and impose dominant cultural assumptions (Smith & Nylund, 1997). This often leads both the service provider and his or her client(s) to construct an identity characterized by deficit. When service providers deflect human problems to the mental domain the social and political antecedents of problems remain unchallenged. For example, in discussing the Martin’s 1998 publication, Litovich and Langhout (2004) posit:

One of the arguments against children being raised by lesbian or gay parents is that the experience will cause undue social difficulties because of heterosexism resulting in homophobia, stigmatization, and discrimination. This argument seems ironic as sexual-minority parents are not to blame for society’s prejudice and yet, their parenting abilities are questioned on the grounds that their children will experience difficulties as a result of this prejudice (pp. 411-412).

Further, in their review of literature related to the developmental outcomes of children raised by lesbian parents, Litovich and Langhout (2004) found that the most significant differences between children of lesbian parents and children of heterosexual parents pointed to positive developmental outcomes for children with lesbian parents including an increased capacity for empathy, appreciation of difference, and awareness of inequality and prejudice.

A growing body of literature that challenges much of the deficit language prevalent within the child development literature is largely concerned with the construct of resilience. While very little of this literature specifically addresses the experiences of gay and lesbian parents and their children, the construct of resiliency does offer us another paradigm with which to understand the experiences of these families. This is particularly poignant in that although children raised in same-sex headed households must contend with the day to day reality of living in a heterosexist and homophobic context, their development has not been shown to be negatively affected according the empirical research (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 1999; Anderssen, Amlie, & Ytterøy, 2002; Litovich & Langhout, 2004; McCann & Delamonte, 2005; Meezan & Rauch, 2005; Patterson, 2006)

In their interviews with lesbian families, Litovich and Langhout (2004) traced several themes related to resiliencies present within these families. These included open discourse on sexual orientation from a young age and discussion and invitations to future dialogue about the possibility of heterosexist incidents that the children might experience. Examples of coping strategies which frame experiences of heterosexism as outside of the personal worth of the child and which teach the child compassion, even for those who are intolerant of them are understood within the resiliency paradigm. In this way, the family becomes a major source of support for the child, resiliently fostering the development of positive self esteem.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Starting Therapy

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA



So you’ve decided to enter therapy. Maybe you would like support with your relationship, meeting personal goals, or making constructive changes in your life. Whether you have been in therapy before or this will be your first time, here are some tips to make the experience right for you.

A Good “Fit”


When you envision your ideal therapist, what kind of person are you looking for? Someone who is a skilled listener, neutral and reflective of your thoughts and feelings, or perhaps someone more directive? Therapists are individuals, just as you are, and their personal style can help you feel comfortable and able to open up to the work of therapy. In addition, there are a myriad of “theoretical orientations,” or approaches to psychotherapy. A helpful list of therapy models can be found here, at GoodTherapy.org. Take a little time to browse through the descriptions and see which ones appeal to you. Many therapists utilize an integrative approach, meaning they are experienced in several theories and able to tailor your therapy using more than one approach.

Narrow your search


There are a number of online directories of therapists and counselors. Http://www.GoodTherapy.org, http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/, and http://www.therapistfinder.com/ are just a few of these directories. You may want to consider factors such as the therapist’s:

-Licensure (Psychologist, MFT, LPCC, LCSW, etc)
-Education and training
-Location
-Type of insurance accepted, if any
-Rates and fees
-Gender (this can be a factor for some clients)

Narrow down your list of possibilities to the top 3-4 therapists, then make some informational calls to their offices to obtain further information to assist you in making an appointment. Note: some therapists offer a free brief consultation by phone to enable both of you to determine if you have a potential therapeutic fit.

Your first session

Your first session with a new therapist will most likely involve filling out some required paperwork, as well as discussing office policies, confidentiality, and other information about therapy and what you can expect. You will also be sharing what brings you to therapy – the key issues you are facing, your goals, your challenges. This allows the therapist to get a sense of the type of support needed. Usually the first session or two involve a lot of “fact finding” – learning about the client and their experiences, needs, thoughts, and feelings. This is also your opportunity to ask any additional questions you have, as well.

Subsequent therapy sessions


Therapy involves much more than a client who talks and a therapist who listens. Much of the work of healing comes from the interaction and relationship between client and therapist. Some therapists offer homework assignments or reading in between sessions. One thing that surprises many people who are new to therapy is that the process is not always quick and easy. Exploring innermost thoughts and feelings can be like peeling down the layers of an onion. You work through an event from your adolescence, only to find that you have uncovered a troublesome memory from early childhood. You set a goal to work on your body image and as soon as you start feeling good about yourself, you find your relationship is impacted by the changes you have worked so hard to achieve. You become sober, and then become aware that you have to make amends to your loved ones hurt by addiction. This is to be expected, and good therapists will work with you in a holistic manner – treating the whole person, not just isolated parts.

When does therapy end?


As I have mentioned in other posts, most therapists are not in the business of keeping you in therapy for its own sake. In my practice, I work with my clients on solutions and personal empowerment, believing that each person has the potential to achieve and maintain wellness without relying on a therapist for the rest of their lives. Once you near the end of your treatment, you and your therapist can discuss your progress, remaining work to be done, and review the tools you have gained in therapy. I have had a few clients move on from therapy, only to check in a couple of times a year for an “emotional tune-up” during a time of stress or challenge.

How can I make the most of this process?


-Come to your appointments prepared – bring questions, thoughts, and participate in the session.
-If something is not working for you, let your therapist know.
-Homework assignments are used by some therapists to help you move through the process more effectively. Give it a try, even if you had hoped your homework days were long behind you!
-Therapy is a place you can be honest and open, even with tough emotions like anger and sadness.
-Remember it is not up to the therapist to “cure” you. Therapy is a team effort and you are in charge of your life, your commitment, your investment in the process.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Ex Factor

Tips for maintaining a workable relationship with your ex
Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA

When a relationship ends, there may be negative feelings and unresolved conflicts. If children are involved, their wellbeing must be considered when former spouses/partners interact after a split. This article will help identify some tools you can use to achieve a peaceful resolution to the end of a relationship, and to cope with challenges and frustrations.

1) Define your boundaries

What role will you now play in your ex’s life? What role will s/he take on in yours? Perhaps you want to remain friends, or maybe you feel it’s best to remain at arm’s length. If you have children, co-parenting is going to link your separate lives. What will be best for everyone involved, especially the kids? Give some thought and discussion to how your relationship will change, and how you can respect one another’s boundaries with respect and civility.

2) Communication is key

Some couples are able to keep healthy channels of communication open, discussing issues like child visitation and finances cooperatively. Others struggle with hostility and find it difficult to engage in any manner. If you have reason to communicate with your ex, it’s worth the effort to help keep the interaction civilized and focused on the issue at hand, such as visitation. Negative communication is stressful for everyone, and can result in long-term emotional repercussions for your children.

3) Put aside your pride
When your ex may have caused you emotional pain, or when you feel the separation or its effects are unfair or undesirable, it can be almost impossible not to engage in the blame game. Ultimately, this only causes harm to you and your children. Your self esteem suffers and your kids feel torn and confused. Hold your head up. The view is much nicer from the high road, I promise you that. Even if you are not in a place of forgiveness, you can present yourself as calm, respectful, and agreeable when possible.

4) “Wonder what she’s up to…?”
Whether it is driving by your ex’s home to see whose car is in the driveway, checking Facebook status, or quizzing friends about his activities, preoccupation with your ex is not a healthy place to be. Curiosity, nostalgia, even sparks of jealousy are normal feelings after a breakup. Acting on those feelings, or even worse, losing yourself in their grip, can be a sign you could benefit from some support in your healing.

5) Take care of yourself
A breakup or divorce can feel like a sort of death. There is often a grieving process, almost certainly some stress from adjusting to life without your partner. It is vital that you remember to keep yourself well, both physically and emotionally. Eat well, get enough sleep, and don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends and family when you need support. Seek therapy if you would like to speak to someone who can help you through this journey.

6) When it isn’t working
What if your best efforts to interact with your ex are not reciprocated? Your boundaries are not respected, communication is full of anger and blame, and the kids are being pulled into the middle of your battles with your ex. Plan B: all of the above tips still apply, but in cases where you and your ex cannot communicate without hostility and you find yourself stressed, frustrated, and even afraid for the safety of yourself and your children, it’s time to think about external support. Couples therapy can help the two of you learn to navigate your separation more amicably, and therapy for your children can provide support as well. Family court can offer a mediator to assist with staying within the terms of your divorce and child custody agreement. And in the most extreme cases, the court can revise agreements, enact restraining orders, or help you both adhere to the terms of your separation.

Most often, time is what is most needed to help heal old wounds as your relationship with your ex is redefined and you both move on. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it – whether you would benefit from a neutral, supportive environment to establish new tools for dealing with one another after separation, or you require intervention to turn down the heat of past pain and anger – we are here to help. Narrative.Contemporary Therapy Collective at (619) 261-4221 or info@narrativetherapysd.com.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: Disclosure and the Challenges of Coming Out for Gay and Lesbian Families

The “Coming Out” process for gay and lesbian individuals is complex and, in contrast to many other marginalized groups, can vary from context to context on a day to day basis. In coupling, gay and lesbian partners may experience discrepancies in the degree to which each individual discloses his or her sexual orientation to persons outside of his or her home such as family, friends, and coworkers. Though many contexts have become more accepting to gays and lesbians, members of same-sex families with children may have differing viewpoints about which contexts they choose to disclose their own sexual orientation or the sexual orientation of the parent(s) (Tasker & Patterson, 2007).

Tasker and Patterson (2007) state:
One of the main questions that any lesbian or gay parent faces is when to disclose one’s sexual identity to others. Judging whether, when, and how to disclose is a complex task. When disclosure is not just an individual matter but involves family relationships, the complexities multiply (p. 16).

Issues of disclosure often exist in educational and healthcare settings, and may be more challenging for parents and children born within heterosexual relationships who now identify as gay or lesbian than for planned gay or lesbian-led families. Although children may be subjected to the effects of homophobia and have concerns and fears that their parent(s) sexual orientation may expose them to ostracization at school and other social settings, there is no evidence to support that they experience physical victimization or are teased or bullied more than their peers (Tasker & Patterson, 2007). This may, in part be due to strategies that children employ in managing the extent of disclosure provided in social and educational settings.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Dating After 40

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher

“I’m single again and I don’t remember how to go on a date!”

“We spent the whole dinner talking about my ex-husband and his late wife. Needless to say, we didn’t exactly spark.”

“What do women want these days? I haven’t dated since 1985!”

Sound familiar? If you are over 40 and find yourself in the dating pool again, it might feel like you can’t remember even how to dog paddle in the shallow end. Baggage, history, exes, kids….how can you wade through all this to find a connection with a new love interest? Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate unfamiliar waters:

DO:

* Show an interest in your date. Ask about her work, or about his hobbies. Movies, books, music, travel, food – all are great icebreaker topics and a way to get to know the person you are spending time with.

* Give your undivided attention. Put the iPhone on vibrate, resist the temptation to update your Facebook status while waiting for the appetizer to arrive (“Having a great first date!”), make eye contact, and listen.

* Put your expectations aside and enjoy yourself. Even if there is no love connection right away, look at the date as a chance to get to know someone new and have fun.

* Leave your baggage at the door. A date is a fresh chance to meet someone, get to know them, and spend a pleasant time together. We all have baggage, but there is no need to bring it along to weigh down your time together.

DON’T:

* Spend the date talking about your ex. Whether you are sharing the scoop on why the relationship fell apart and all the ways you were done wrong, or describing your ex in glowing terms, this time is about you and your date.

* Expect a love connection on the first date. Expectations create static in your thoughts that can distract you from having a good time. Be in the moment and see how things unfold.

* Feel pressured to move any faster than you feel comfortable with. Even a first kiss may feel like you are rushing things. When the moment is right to move things along, you’ll know. Remember when you were young and holding hands for the first time made you feel giddy with excitement? There is something to be said for taking it slow.

* Feel like damaged goods because you are divorced, older, or have experienced pain or sadness. Your life experiences have made you who you are today.

The most important thing to remember is – if you feel good about yourself, it will come across to everyone you meet. Dating is a fun way to explore new relationships, but it is not the ultimate goal in your newly single life.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Thriving in Your Fifties

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher


“Where did this AARP membership card come from, and how did it get my name on it?”
Me

The fifties. Really? Me?? My glib comeback to anyone who asks is “Well, it beats the alternative, right?” My honest response is more contemplative, and as I moved into this decade my thoughts evolve around acceptance of this new category I found myself in. Talking with friends and clients, I see I am not alone in examining what moving into the fifties means.

What I hear from others is that getting older impacts many areas in life. The physical, emotional, chemical (hello hormones!), our work lives, and life changes like kids and parents growing older too. It can be challenging to find a lot to celebrate about this time in our lives, when we realize we may have more years behind us than ahead of us.

Physical Changes

I silently cheer every time I see a media star featured as fit, sexy, and beautiful after 50. Thank goodness our society is beginning to take some baby steps away from the idea that after 22 it’s all downhill, especially for women. The fact remains our bodies change, our skin shows signs of wear and tear, extra pounds creep up, gray hairs seem to multiply overnight. We compare cholesterol levels with friends and find that spicy food may no longer be our friend.

The good news is, fellow Baby Boomers, there are millions of us out there. I see more and more sites like Aging Abundantly and Sex after 40, all celebrating this amazing age. We may have more years behind than ahead, but the wisdom, life experience, and compassion we bring to those years are invaluable.

Emotional Changes

The term “mid-life crisis” is thrown around a lot, sort of a punch line or an explanation for deviant behavior. Some people in mid-life do experience emotional crisis. Children growing up and leaving home, parents aging, increasing competition in the workforce, and health issues are some events that can trigger an emotional upheaval. The truth is, however, that a life crisis can occur at any age. For every man in his fifties who buys a shiny new red convertible to recapture the carefree days of youth, there is a 25-year-old with a new Masters degree and a head full of self doubt and worry about what the future holds. No age is immune from crisis of identity. It is true that aging brings physical changes that can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs. Menopause is a good example. When your body’s chemistry is shifting, your emotions are probably going to shift with it until balance is regained. Keeping up with exercise, a healthy diet, and regular check-ups with your doctor can help you find your balance that much sooner.

Workplace Changes
I worked as a Career Counselor for several years prior to becoming a psychotherapist, and yes, there can be age discrimination in the workplace. I coached many 50+ job seekers and nearly all expressed dread at competing with twenty-somethings in the workforce. On the other hand, I found many employers who were eager to hire someone they perceived as stable, mature, with a wealth of life experience. My work with job seekers in midlife covered not only standard interviewing skills, but included personal coaching to improve self image and ways to help them see that in many cases, age could work in their favor.

Sexuality
Let’s face it – in the media we don’t see a lot of happy, healthy people in midlife. When a 50-year-old is on a TV commercial, chances are it’s to promote a pill for bone loss, intestinal dysfunction, or impotence. Not particularly sexy. A quick reality check – people who are sexual in their twenties are likely to stay that way into their fifties, sixties, and beyond. Our most important sex organ is the brain – self image starts there. If you are feeling good about yourself, that will impact your sexuality. Sex may change with age, but the quality of intimacy can actually improve.

These are some of the issues facing Baby Boomers today. Let’s hope that society begins to change its stereotyped view of the 50-year-old. More than that, let’s support one another as we move into this decade and beyond. No matter what your age, continue your journey of self-exploration, growth, and joy in your life. When that AARP card with your name on it arrives, use it, toss it, or just have a laugh at how far you have come. Then get out there and live each day to its fullest.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: Common Challenges for Gay and Lesbian Parents and their Children

All parents face life stressors and relational struggles which pose challenges to parenting their children. As members of an underrepresented and stigmatized community that exists within a society steeped in heterosexist bias and homophobic prejudices, gay and lesbian persons face additional challenges when it comes not only to parenting their children, but to the act of becoming parents. The extent to which a gay or lesbian person has internalized dominant heterosexist and homophobic societal discourses can profoundly impact his or her self and/or relational concept, ideas about what he or she believes to be possible as far as becoming a parent, and/or the relational experience of parenthood (McCann & Delamonte, 2005). For example, because of a widespread homophobic notion that homosexuals (generally, but not exclusively meaning gay men) are pedophiles, they can often internalize fears about being seen as perpetrators of sexual crimes against children.

McCann and Delamonte (2005) also propose that as an effect of the differing constellations of how same-sex couples become families with children, additional challenges may be presented between the parents as well as with biological and non-biological parents and family members outside of the partner relationship. These challenges may include: negotiating transitions between multiple households; religious and cultural considerations (particularly when multiple beliefs or practices exist within the parenting or extended family system); the historical, familial, and narrative significance of naming the child (particularly the decision of the child’s surname); and how parents will be addressed by the child and by members of their family and community. Further, same-sex parents will likely need to evaluate and consider the amount of contact and degree of involvement of co-parents and other family members. Additional challenges may include: managing attempts to prove that they are good enough parents (particularly in the absence of legal sanctions recognizing and protecting a parent’s connection to the child); encountering prejudice as a family; managing disclosure as the family interfaces with the larger community; and stressors related to the health of the child or parents within the family constellation.

Intentionally constructing a family through circumstances such as adoption and foster care can carry stressors for any couple. Gay and lesbian couples experience these stressors which are often compounded by societal and political trends which make bringing a child into their home through adoption or fostering difficult. Such trends include differing adoption regulations among the states, adoption and foster agency practices which may differ from stated institutional policy, and the attitudes and beliefs of social service personnel (Lobaugh, Clements, Averill, & Olguin, 2006).

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

How Do We stay Together When Our World is Falling Apart? Tips on support and togetherness through times of emotional turmoil.

Guest Blogger: Jessica Thomas MA, MFT

It seems like life has a funny way of testing our emotional strength time and time again. There are times when we can walk upright and times where we seem to crumble. I have learned to appreciate these challenges understanding that without them, we simply would not be able to grow.

Over the past few months I have had clients come to me frustrated with the stress in their lives, and questioning their relationships. It appears that even the most functional of pairs begin to waver as life's circumstances become "too much." I have determined that stress has a funny way of contradicting love, and overwhelming feelings seem to diminish both willingness and desire.

I have heard couples discuss the strain of finances, the tension found in child rearing, and the sadness found in loss. They have discussed the disappointment with their partner's reactions. Although these grievances vary, the one that echoes most clear is the complaint of non-support. Because of this the following tips may provide with you with ideas of how to stay connected during times of trial, and also notions of how to ask and receive support during these times. The following thoughts may serve as a reminder to some and a few suggestions to others. As always I would enjoy your feed-back, and look forward to your correspondence.

Tips for managing situational stress in relationships:


1.Self Care.
For those that have worked alongside of me, you know or have heard my first question after a complaint of stress: what are you doing to take care of yourself through this time? I find it amazing that self care is the first thing we throw out in times of stress. So first, let's figure out what I mean by self care. I am talking about emotional care, stress management, a good nutritional diet, balance between alone time and social time, recreational time, and enough rest. We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but also to our partners to maintain this part of our lives, especially in times of stress.

2. COMMUNICATE!!!!!
I know this is the big one, and for some the most difficult to do. I see even the strongest communicators flounder around when the stress of life hits, so please consider the following mistakes.

*Don't expect your mate to mind read.

I hear couples state "well he/she should just know what I need". Although our partners may know our shoe size, our birthdays, and our favorite Ben and Jerry's, what you need right now, today is a little more difficult to figure out, especially if this is a stressor that you have never mastered before. Which brings us to the next tip...


*Let your partner know what you need from them.

It is very difficult to watch one another go through difficult times, letting your partner know exactly what you need will stop not only the guessing game but the chance of disappointment and conflict.

3. Separate the issues from the idea of marriage.

Don't let the stress of the issue taint your view on the marriage as a whole. Take time to problem solve, but also take time to step away from the difficulty and enjoy one another as well. Set time limits on problem-solving discussions, and allow for the issues to be contained to these times.

4. Avoid the "blame game."
Although rather self explanatory, perhaps a few words to remind of its importance. When our issue was a mistake made by one, reminding of this fault by the other appears to be the action of most. However, I would warn about the consequences of this choice as it moves us farther away from the solution, and the effects on the relationship are far from friendly. Allow for the other person to accept responsibility over their misjudgments, allow for human error, remember forgiveness, and be willing to find a solution together.

5. Take an active role in finding solutions.
Finding solutions together not only brings you closer, it also allows the responsibility of the marriage to fall on you both. When couples agree on solutions they are more willing to implement and show support and investment in their "plan."

Jessica Thomas MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA. To learn more about Jessica and the counseling services she provides visit her website at www.narrativetherapysd.com.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

10 Fingers and 10 Toes

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA

“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t care, as long as the baby’s healthy. I will love him or her no matter what.”

Most parents-to-be experience the above dialogue during pregnancy. It is an exciting time and everyone wants to talk about your little one, soon to be born. You may have a secret preference for a little boy or girl, but chances are you know that you’ll be happy counting fingers and toes in the hospital room and loving your newborn unconditionally.

One of the wonders of children is how early they begin to demonstrate their individuality, with personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes. It starts as young as noticing that one particular toy holds your infant daughter’s gaze longer than any other, or that your little boy will happily eat strained carrots every day, but spinach? Forget it. With each passing year your child develops more into a person of his/her own. They have a favorite color, movie, best friend. No longer infants, they grow, explore, and hone their identities through the years.

It is virtually guaranteed that your growing child will begin to show traits that may be very different from your own. Maybe even develop in ways that go against your beliefs, your traditions, and your culture. I was standing in the grocery store last weekend and a mother and daughter were behind me in line, perusing the array of items set out on the way to the cash register. Next to the People magazines and breath mints was a small assortment of incense. The daughter, probably around the age of 16, took a stick of incense, glanced at her mother, and said “I need this. For my Wiccan practices.” Her mom snatched the incense out of her hand and slammed it back into the display. “Wiccan practices!? You are not Wiccan!! And if you think you are, I will smack you into next week!” Noticing the attention of others in line, the girl’s mother fell silent, pressing her lips together in fury and glaring at her child.

When does our approach to our children change? When are ten fingers, ten toes and a bill of health no longer enough to allow us to love unconditionally? (For the sake of discussion, let’s assume that the kids we are talking about are not criminals or abusing drugs or alcohol, are reasonably respectful, attend school, etc. That is the subject of an upcoming blog post and a much different situation – when a child is genuinely in danger, red flags are a good thing. ) In this case, however, teen or adult children may be expressing themselves in ways which make their parents uncomfortable. They could be exploring lifestyles that don’t fit with the vision the family has held and nurtured all through their childhood years. Your child may have decided that Judaism is worth learning about, and your family is Lutheran. Your child may be drawn to a career which you don’t feel holds much promise. Your child may be gay or lesbian.

What impacts you is the difference from you, your family, your ideals. “How do I know my child will be happy with this life? Is this my fault? I don’t understand.” All of these are thoughts some parents experience when a child grows up to a life which includes beliefs, people, activities, and commitments which are not your own. It is a fearful, uncomfortable feeling.

The good news is not only is your grown child probably okay, but you are as well. Fear often comes from lack of understanding and knowledge. When you feel fearful about your offspring and their wellbeing, primal instincts of protection, anger, and even running from the perceived “danger” are not unusual. Most parents will agree that there is not much more horrible than your child suffering.

But what if they are not suffering? What if they are just not like us in some significant ways?

Differences are not inherently bad. Lack of knowledge can make them seem so. Take a moment to open your heart to your son or daughter. “I want to know what your life is like, who you are. Can you help me understand you better?” Put fear aside and listen. You don’t have to embrace or even accept just yet…just listen calmly and appreciate the moment if your child is willing to be open with you. Openness breeds openness. Keep trying. Be there. Focus on what you have in common. Connect.

If your child has grown in ways that you feel you can’t understand or accept, please take the leap of openness and allow them to tell you about themselves – what they love, what they believe, how they live. Listen with an open heart. Give them the same respect you would give any other adult (or almost-adult, in the case of teens). By being there for them, you allow both of you to grow closer and to learn about the other. You can share your feelings of discomfort and still remain in a positive, supportive place together.

Hopes and dreams and visions of your child’s future filled your heart when you became a parent. 10 fingers and 10 toes – whether they are tiny and new or painted Goth black. Getting to know and accept your child as s/he grows into an independent person can enrich your life beyond measure. A 20-year-old is just as worthy of celebration as a newborn – rejoin the party of your child’s life!

Posted on July 17, 2010 in celebration of Pride, love, and equality.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA

“I’m in therapy…I should be feeling better, right? Why do I feel more challenged than before I began?”

Many people think of therapy as an emotional tune-up, much like bringing the car in when it begins to sputter and spark. Find a good therapist, make an appointment, talk it out, pay the bill, and leave the session with a shiny new outlook. It can be disconcerting to realize that after a session or two, the real work of reaching your goals has just begun. Not only that, you may have homework, challenges to old ways of thinking, and new habits to practice. You may feel a temporary unbalancing of your emotional equilibrium as you work with your therapist through past issues and identify new, effective ways to live your life.

When heartache, dissatisfaction, and unease have existed for months or years, it can take a bit of time to uncover thoughts and feelings to get to where you want to be. Old feelings and memories can pop up to the surface, leading you to wonder when the peace and serenity you seek is going to become a reality.

Hang in there! Your therapist is a partner in this journey with you, and is there to provide a safe space to explore past and current issues. It is common to feel a mixture of relief and vulnerability when you begin therapy. You may be exploring feelings which have been dormant for years. Uncovering one layer may remind you of others you would like to address. It takes some time to see all the issues more clearly. If anything, that bit of discomfort can be a sign that old issues are being deconstructed so that you can move forward toward your goals.

Most therapists don’t believe in prolonging therapy just for the sake of keeping you in treatment. Your goals and challenges make up the path we walk with you, keeping the sessions focused and on track. Each person is different, and your therapist will work with you to understand your needs. So if you feel a little off balance, vulnerable, and even raw at times when you start therapy, don’t despair. That’s the time to dig in and push forward, using the tools you gain in your sessions. Be sure to bring up any of these feelings with your therapist, as well. She needs to know how the process is working for you, and by sharing how you are experiencing therapy, the two of you can work together to make the journey more effective.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Feathering the Empty Nest

Guest Blogger: Tammy Fletcher, MA
“Where did the time go? It’s the strangest feeling. With one hand I’m pushing them out the door and telling them to take the world by storm, and with the other hand I’m saying please don’t go. I’m sure I’m not the first mother who’s felt this way, and I certainly won’t be the last.“
Caroline Manzo, BravoTV Blog

I may be a therapist, but I am also a mom. When I read these words from strong, spirited, level-headed Caroline Manzo, I recognized a sister in Empty Nest Syndrome. We spend 18+ years preparing our kids for just this – leaving the nest, embarking on their own lives, growing up. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a career woman, you put great chunks of your life on hold to raise your children well and someday cheer them on as they move on. In theory, anyway. Nothing can prepare us for the sight of our offspring loading the car full of boxes packed of memories and heading off to college, a new apartment, or another city.

When my daughter first left home, our roles were momentarily reversed as she calmly and rationally explained her need to spread her wings, explore her independence, and build her own life as an adult. I remember sitting and listening, eyes wide, nodding in what I hoped was a supportive way while inside a panicked voice clamored “But you just learned to walk!” Mothers (and fathers too) have this weird ability to travel instantaneously back in time and experience their kids as if they were still kindergartners – even when those days are 18 years ago. We got through it. She drove off to a little apartment full of young college girls her age, and nothing catastrophic happened. Except maybe feeling like my heart was tied to her bumper like a banged up can after a shotgun wedding.

I took a little time and let myself think it through, and grieve. Yes…grieve. My little girl was a memory, and my time with a child sharing our home was at an end. Very quickly I realized that in that little girl’s place was a pretty fantastic young woman, who still needed her mom in a different way. We made time each week to hang out together. We texted every day, even just to say hello. She was fine.

I also spent time soul-searching, looking for the reason so many parents find themselves up against this so-called Empty Nest Syndrome. If the kids are fine and happy, what is the nature of this speed bump we go through when our children grow up and leave home? My conclusion was this – I needed to redefine who I was now. I had been a successful career woman for years, but this event brought home for me just how profoundly I identified myself as “E’s mom.” In addition to learning again who I was without my daughter in the home, the plain and simple fact was I missed her company, her music, her laughter, her stressing out before midterms. I missed knowing for sure she was sleeping in the next room, or that she had had a good dinner. My husband experienced the same issues, so Empty Nest Syndrome is certainly not limited to women only.

Those two factors –identity and coming to a place of peace with my daughter’s wellbeing in her new home, became my homework in this new journey. I rearranged furniture. I spent more time with friends. We did away with formal mealtimes and ate when we felt like it :-) We went away for a weekend and reconnected as a couple. Little things added up and our ability to roll with this life change was good for our daughter as well. Little known secret – they worry about us, too. Maybe even miss us a little.

If you are dreading the Empty Nest days sure to come, or in the middle of this journey, take some time to care for yourself, grieve if you need to, and find someone to talk to about your feelings. Continue family traditions and enjoy the times your adult child comes home to visit. Reconnect with your friends, family, spouse, and most of all – reconnect with yourself.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: The Study of Same Sex Parenting

The study of same sex parenting grew largely out of moral and legal concerns about the potential for negative effects that growing up in a gay or lesbian headed family would have on the development of children. On the whole, the existing body of empirical evidence supports the notion that children of gay and lesbian parents are just as well adjusted as children of heterosexual parents (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 1999; Anderssen, Amlie, & Ytterøy, 2002; McCann & Delamonte, 2005; Meezan & Rauch, 2005; Patterson, 2006). The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s (1999) Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Parents Policy Statement states:

There is no evidence to suggest or support that parents with a gay, lesbian, or bisexual orientation are per se different from or deficient in parenting skills, child-centered concerns, and parent-child attachments, when compared to parents with a heterosexual orientation.

In their analysis of the question, “How might same-sex marriage affect the wellbeing of America’s children?” (p. 98), Meezan and Rauch (2005) point out that research on same-sex parenting is a relatively new, rapidly expanding, and methodologically challenging area of study. When evaluating the body of research on same-sex parenting, Meezan and Rauch (2005) noted several challenges to the research process and noted that these challenges can be fairly common in psychological research, particularly in research with underrepresented and/ or stigmatized populations. Points of consideration for consumers of this research include: motivation and/or bias of the researcher(s); difficulty finding representative samples; relatively small sample sizes; existence and/ or legitimacy of comparison groups in the study (i.e., is it appropriate to utilize a heteronormative sample as a comparison group?); subject group heterogeneity; and measurement and statistical issues.

An important, and potentially confounding variable in the study of same-sex parenting, is that gay and lesbian parents and their children come together as family in a variety of different constellations. These children may be the biological offspring of one of the parents, conceived via insemination with an anonymous or known sperm donor or surrogate birth mother. They may also be biologically related to one parent, the product of a previous heterosexual marital or sexual relationship. The child may be biologically unrelated to both parents, joining the family through formal adoption or the foster care system. Additional variables such as a parent’s previous separation or divorce from the child’s biological parent and legal statutes around second parent adoption which vary from state to state makes the study of same-sex parenting a challenge for researchers (Meezan and Rauch, 2005).

Despite the methodological shortcomings found in many of the studies they reviewed dating back to the 1970’s, Meezan and Rauch (2005) found that data produced with these studies was consistent with the studies which they considered to be strong methodologically. In summarizing these findings, they quote the American Psychological Association’s 2004 “Resolution on Sexual Orientation, Parents, and Children,” which states:

There is no scientific basis for concluding that lesbian mothers or gay fathers are unfit parents on the basis of their sexual orientation…. .On the contrary, results of research suggest that lesbian and gay parents are as likely as heterosexual parents to provide supportive and healthy environments for their children…. Overall, results of research suggest that the development, adjustment and wellbeing of children with lesbian and gay parents do not differ markedly from that of children with heterosexual parents.

Further, Anderssen, Amlie, and Ytterøy (2002) reviewed 23 outcome studies published in the peer reviewed literature between 1978 and 2000 on children with gay and lesbian parents. They found that in the 12 studies specifically evaluating the emotional functioning of children raised by lesbian mothers, there were no significant differences in emotional functioning between these children and children raised within heterosexual family constellations. The six remaining outcomes that were evaluated within the 23 studies indicated that there were no systematic differences between children raised with gay or lesbian parents and other children. The six areas of exploration included: sexual preference, stigmatization, gender role behavior, behavioral adjustment, gender identity, and cognitive functioning. Upon review of several studies conducted by herself and other researchers which found no significant differences in the development of children and adolescents raised by heterosexual parents and homosexual parents, Patterson (2006) proposes that the quality and strength of the relationship between the parent and the child is more significant to the child’s development than the sexual orientation of the parent.

McCann and Delamonte (2005) explicitly take the stance that beyond the idea of being competent parents, gay and lesbian parents have much to offer children. As mentioned frequently in this review, gay and lesbian individuals and couples embark upon many routes to parenthood. Their motivations for becoming parents, in many respects, are no different than those of heterosexual parents such as the desire to raise and nurture them. A common notion utilized in undermining the competency of gay and lesbian parents is the belief that same-sex partners will not provide their children with adequate opposite gender role models. McCann and Delamonte (2005) propose that this is yet another manifestation of prevalent hetero-normative discourse and that this critique seems less common among single heterosexual parents.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series: Demographics of Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents

Gay and lesbian parents construct family in diverse ways. This diversity cannot only be viewed as structural (i.e., a family having two mothers or two fathers). In conceptualizing gay and lesbian families with children, many intersections such as those of culture, religion, age, availability of support networks, and socioeconomic status must be considered as constitutional variables (Tasker & Patterson, 2007). It has been estimated that somewhere between 6 and 14 million children with gay or lesbian parents live in the United States (Litovich & Langhout, 2004; Stacey & Biblarz, 2001). However, it is difficult if not impossible to generate accurate figures on how many gay and lesbian families with children currently reside in the United States (Stacy & Biblarz, 2001; Tasker & Patterson, 2007). This is largely related to stigma associated with gay or lesbian identity. Further, most categories of inquiry collected by the census and other national surveys are based upon heteronormative family constellations and fail to generate reliable demographic data on gay and lesbian individuals, couples, and families.

For a complete list of references see: LGBT Affirmative Therapy Page

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series:

Section 2: Definition of Terms

Sexual Orientation: Fletcher and Russel (2001), define sexual orientation as:
A person’s self concept as based on sexual and emotional attractions to other persons who are of the same sex (a homosexual orientation), the other sex (a heterosexual orientation), or both same and other sex (a bisexual orientation (p. 36).

Sexual Identity: “Personally and outwardly identifying oneself as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual…. A consistent, enduring sense of the meanings that the sexual orientation and sexual behavior have for a person” (Fletcher & Russell, 2001, p. 36).

Heterosexism: Fletcher and Russell (2001), describe heterosexism as, “The presumption that every one is (or should be) heterosexual, resulting in the ignorance of or devaluing of LGBT [lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender] behavior, orientations, identities, or relationships, and the labeling of these as deviant” (p. 36). Herek (as cited in Malley and Tasker, 1999) defines heterosexism as “a worldview, a value system that prizes heterosexuality, assumes it is the only manifestation of love and sexuality and devalues homosexuality and all that is not heterosexual” (p. 4). 

For a complete list of references see  LGBT Affirmative Therapy Page

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Erin Falvey @ Narrative San Diego: Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series:

Erin Falvey @ Narrative San Diego: Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series:: "Section 1: Introduction The purpose of this series is to provide an overview of the body of research related to gay and lesbian parents and..."

Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents Series:

Section 1: Introduction 
The purpose of this series is to provide an overview of the body of research related to gay and lesbian parents and their children. This overview includes the definition of terms relevant to the topic, an introduction to demographic considerations and study of same-sex parenting, the controversy surrounding same sex parenting and child development including a review of the literature on the similarities to and differences of the experiences of gay and lesbian parents and their children when compared to heterosexual parents and their children, and an introduction to the politics of “difference” vs. “no difference.” Finally, Erin discusses her conclusions based upon this review and provides suggestions for future research.